In My Hands, A Legacy of Memories....

May forever be my last post here... or anywhere...

2006-08-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

I feel sick. I feel... dead...

There is no real easy way to say any of this. I have posted some things that have been going on, but never have I ever really gotten into detail. To be honest I don't know how much time I have to do this, so I am going to try to make this quick.

He and I had a long long long talk today... the talk of all talks.

The woman he has been talking to has gone through a divorce. He was talking to her to get a general idea what to expect. His cousin has been through 2 of them. He want to know what he is going to be going through if he makes a final decision. Apparently, he has been thinking about this a long time. Longer than I realized. But it explains a great deal of things. He was thinking of giving me about one more year to see how things worked. by then the Air Force would be ready to move him again. He was going to do what he could to get stationed closer to my home state in Michigan. In doing so, it would make it easier for me to pack what I owned and move .... I don't know where.... I don't have anything really back at home anymore. My mother is getting married and will have her own place that is most likely going to be smaller and there wouldn't be room for me. On top of that...

He said he was going to take our girls from me...

First he says he's thinking divorce... then he tells me he is going to take away the one last thing I have left to live for. He and the girls were my life. If I lose them all...

He said I would have my mom... but for how long? And how does that ease the pain of losing my daughters?

I have a year to do... something... anything... I don't know yet what I am going to do... but I have a year... maybe- he said he wasn't sure yet....

I want to get sick... I stood in the pool with my daughters and all I could think of was going under and never coming back up... I come inside and avoid the bathroom because I wonder how many pills it would take to make a fouth attempt actually work. I can't go near the kitchen because I know Eric just sharpened the knives... I want to hang on to hope... but my heart tells me that he has already come to a decision and that it's over no matter what I do.

I asked him if he loved me... even just a little...

He said he wasn't sure. He said I was still a great friend, but he wasn't sure he felt the same for me anymore...

God... I can't watch everything I love be torn from me... This can't be happening... This can't... It's a dream right? Just a horrible dream that I will wake up from at any given minute? Please, God tell me it's a dream... PLEASE.... I can't live without them... just the thought of it kills me more and more every minute...

I'm scared... Of what may happen.. but most of all... I am scared of what I might do...
My thoughts are growing too dark to control... I'm afraid that no one will be able to pull me from this... They will try... But I am not as strong as they think... I am very weak... and growing weaker.... It's up to God now... His decision as to what happens...

Not really sure what to think....

2006-06-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Or how to feel for that matter...

I spent a greater portion of my life depressed and pessimisstic. It has only been the past maybe 3 years where I began to attempt to make a change. It has helped in some areas, and others it hasn't been that successful. I find it odd how I can find or at least attempt to find a light in the face of darkness for others much easier than I find it in my own. But it is always much easier to find a silver lining for someone when you yourself aren't in their shoes. I have to step back and realize my words may not always be what they need to hear. Sometimes an optimistic view isn't what is wanted even if it may be what is needed.

I have a friend who is not doing so well... and I tried to make her feel better, but I can't help but think I might have only made things worse. She's too kind to tell me to leave her alone, or to knock it off.... I have another who is making similar mistakes I was making.. knows it, but doesn't seem to want to change. And then I have my own mother...

She is really going through a rough time right now... Her old landlord had been nothing short of a prick... please excuse the language. He made her life a living hell the entire time she was there. So she finally said she would leave. I guess the last month's rent hadn't gotten paid, and he had a brand new truck so it was time for a payment... He took her to court. I know the kind of man he is. He would have really made every little bad thing seem 10 times worse than it was. What it boiled down to? She has 21 days to pay $850 (rent and court costs) or else she goes to jail....

She tries to laugh it off... but I know she's scared... I can feel it. I also know it's why she has been avoiding everyone... She's afraid she can't do it. They won't accept payments... it has to be the entire thing. I tell her to try to be positive, that something will work out... But sadly even I am wondering if it is possible...

It wouldn't be the first time I had a parent in jail... My biological father was in prison for trafficing drugs... But my mother... I don't want to see her go there... And I don't have the kind of money needed to keep her out... I am truly scared for her. Our family... We never had much, and I don't think even my grandparents have much to help her with. Yes, it's true I worry about a lot of things and a lot of people... but I am truly afraid for her... It's the last place she needs to be right now in her state of mind...

On another note... I may not be posting here on this particular blog anymore... I have a Live Journal account and a MySpace page. My friends have the links to them and can find my blogs there now. This journal will be here as I have posted a lot of things here that I have not posted anywhere else... A lot about my life and my history. The things that molded me into who I am. I can't erase those posts. I debate on putting them in another place as well... not sure yet... it is the past and it has been done... It's time to let it go. So if you want continued updates on me at a more regular level, find me over on Live journal (angelhope99) or on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/ladyphoenix99 ) - just subscribe to my blog there to get alerts when I update...

Credit for Graphics Used here...

2006-06-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

In previous posts and in the description banner I have used graphics from a ton of creators. I have let it be known right from the start that I was not the one to create them. But I wanted to give credit to all those who’s icons I have used both in the past and in the future. A link to this post will always be found in the list of links so that the credit is always available. If you see a graphic you like, ask me and I will tell you the creator… In the future, I will make a stronger attempt to include the names of the artists when I use them at the end of my post. It’s the fairest thing I can do and if they happen by and would rather I not use this graphic leave a polite comment about it and I will see that it is removed…

On to the artists and believe me there is a lot of them…

alice_xx
bloodnblack
dark_sephy
darkchan
discordanticons
eternal_night_
hybridrainbow
orange_icons
sakebi
shadowkeeper
silencedaria
spokeydokey
tani_chan
tiger_ace
wiccabeth
atemu_fangurl
danicons
hikaru_hime
kuja_rang
stophoest
batty_anger
hobbithunter
lediz
matty_chan
mistressminako
nefthoron
rhapsodydragon
river_drow
sari5
snowgarden
sweet_tidus
tobias_geminasu
wickedly_moon
ahavaicons
akaru_icons
angel_josie
azure15
caffeine_buzz
eizou
flamingkitsune
heartofchaos
immicolia
Imn_icons
Insaneicons
Jurhael
kage_kiyoshi
kaibacorp_icons
keeperoffire
nelotizapu
oopsitbroke
setine_kitsune
silverwing147
vadacon
visionicons
vs_icons
yokokaru_chan
__3ppl
actor_icon
animecrush
blu_tea
bunny_tsukino
contradictz
felonycat
girlofsatarn
gisinu
gohanisyummy
kali_sama
my100challenges
neferamisi
pixelatedrain
rhaine_icons
silentxemotion
star_sailor13
stealthusagi
yuna_12
deepsenseicons
Somewhere I Belong
starmagician
starseeker
julia2icons
princesslafiel
iconicallyhales
the_firefly
RebeccaLynne
Autumnsharmony
Batgirl_iii
Br3nna
cowgirled
garishlight
haro
icon_serenade
karmaside
lirannutian
lucid_icons
misako_chan
moonscape
musical_medli
mydarklife
ohsomarvelous
pichus_paradise
pixicons
planetgal471
quirkyslayer
resmiranda
SonKikyo
Tea_roses
The_hanyou_cons
Undeadmiko
Ushitora Icons
Viola_players
Shini Q Akusai
Suntemple
Galethelamb
Phrixus
Pinkcloudz
Silentdevotion
_ame_
6satans6sweet6
aka_bisho
alabapoy
allhertears
amethystia
aotearoagal
bakabunnies
celestial_fire
chiiruchan
crackalicious
cybermonkeyps
divine_midnight
figgy
flyingpinkbunny
fullmetal_cute
hireadd
ichimaru
ignoredflower
infinite_stars
jyonouchi_chan
komigraph
kumagorou_beam
lil_bishie
lilithnumber17
lylei
mytenkay
Ningengirai
Nyansha
Oathinthestorm
Planetgal471
Prettygraphite
Queen_akasha72
Rabid_muffins
Rachelmarie
Radfel
Red_roses_rox
Riyuji
Ryuichilover13
Shagtasticxlove
Sir_mocha
Snowgarden
Strawberryhitsu
Tears_priestess
Unhappy0endings
X_hella_x
Xnobodyatallx
Agentrosecotton
Angjovan
Azurial
Bases_by_maggie
Coeur_de_ma_vie
Emmavesence
Enriana
Eofs
Faeriesfolly
Jiatra
Ladytalon
Meredith44
Skellorg
Obsessiveicons
Minitokyo
florid_icons
juna_chan
kiri_no_ookami
pic_unperfect
red_threthiel
rogueiconlj
sadicque
silversnakeicon
tehiconz
yukia_silver
casper_san
hisashiatsitoll
queenstrata
selkiewings
_atomic_cherry
boutondor
crazy_jae
equivalency
iconistas_fadinglove
ladylenne
m1ch1ru
maidensblush
mhari
nardasarmy
zemia
Irenes Images
Ellie

Any other graphics are artwork found scattered on the web in Google or Yahoo image searches or screencaps taken by me…

Sick of it...

2006-05-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

I KNOW I am innocent here, but does he care? Hell no. All he cares about is money is missing out of his personal account. I DON'T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO HIS PERSONAL ACCOUNT!!!!

When will he see that his accusations keep driving us farther apart? Things were going just fine, seemingly almost back to normal again... SEEMINGLY.

He goes to cash a check he received for his birthday; and learns that his account was overdrawn so he wasn't able toget ANY of the money for the check. He comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is "Did you use my card for anything?" I look at him like he's nuts because to me at the moment he is. I have my own account on PayPal. I don't need his. I haven't bought anything for myself in months. Could never afford it. Only got what was needed and paid bills out of the joint account. Hell I don't even know where he keeps the card to his personal account. I figure that's his money and I will have mine.

You can bet I will be using my own account to put my own money in when I begin bringing more in from anything I sell, books included when it begins to come in. I am not going to be stupid about this. I have to make sure I set money aside for taxes too when tax time comes around so it isn't like I can place the money in an account that risks having everything drained from it.

He goes every freaking morning to that coffee place. Does he not realize how quickly that adds up? It's like $3 a drink there. EVERY MORNING!!! And yet when his money is gone it is my fault.

You know... I am never going to get an apology for it either. Sorry, I know it may not be the best thing, but I do hold grudges. And this one is sticking around for a little while. I am sick of being accused of things I didn't do and even when he has the proof never hearing an apology.

Never Fall

2006-05-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

I found this poem on DA and I liked it. REALLY liked it... So I wanted to post it here as well... Please click on the title of this post for the original link to where I found this poem as there was a pretty desktop wallpaper that was made to go with this poem. Thank you.

Neverfall by Lee

Never fall from my hands of grace,
That has touched your beautiful silky face.

White with trangression through the ages,
Cause life passed by so fast like turning pages.

Never fall from the faith I displayed,
Only to hear you say the quote you made.

"Stare deeply into each other eyes,
Pulling the strings to your heart,
And let the gift open up and fly."

Never fall from my arms forming like wings,
Like angels with lyres that sings.

A melodramatic choir of ecstatic hushed tones,
Crescending notes as high as heaven then level with moans.

Never fall from my life again,
We'll always be lovers or friend.

Sticking together for many years,
One single committment for your tears.

Never fall......

I'll do a better update later...

Hospital Trip...

2006-05-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well today was the day.

Eric had to go in to the doctor's office here on base for his surgery. So far so good, he is only complaining of a dull throbbing, but nothing major. I have the doctor's home number. I am to call him at 7 tonight to let him know who Eric is feeling. Earlier if there is a problem. I have to take him tomorrow afternoon for a post- op check-up. So now I just get to try to get things taken care of and make sure he's comfortable.

I got a little more writing done on the novel while I was waiting. Not a great deal as I am extremely tired for some reason, but still, a little is better than none. I just hope I am able to get a decent night's sleep here soon. For some reason it has been restless. I keep jolting awake at least once every hour- sometimes more. One of those things that you feel like you're falling so you jolt awake kind of thing. Eric admitted that I was beginning to worry him I guess last night because it was happening so often. He also said I was surprisingly cuddly last night. Not sexual, just cuddly...

What can I say- sometimes I don't want anything BUT to cuddle... It's more satisfying to me that way...

*sigh* It's official. Eric is headed off for deployment in September. Not to Iraq though which is kind of a relief and it is only for a 4 month tour. He is off to Kazakestan (sp?). He has to be there before September 11th this year. They are hoping to get him there before the first. The sooner he gets there the sooner he can be home. They want to get him home before the girls' birthday's which is a nice thought. People seem surprised that I don't seem as worried about it... To be honest- I was expecting it. I knew it would happen when we got out here, it was just a matter of time. I am prepared to handle it. I have friends here at the base and online, there are things I can do here and help for things like daycare if I need it, phone calls, and things like that. Already his squadron is taking steps to make sure I know they are there for me and the girls while he is gone. But with them going to school and me having my book to work on, I am confident 4 months will fly by. Not to mention that I am even prepaered for the idea that they may end up keeping him a bit longer in the rotation, it all depends...

As for my mom... Still no word. She won't answer the phone- home or cell, she won't respond to email, and she isn't on MSN Messenger either... I admit I am worried... It's kind of hard to know what's going on when you are kept out of the loop...

Scared...

2006-05-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

I just spoke to my mom...

She had a chiropractor appointment and had to get x-rays on her back.

They showed a mass in her chest....

There is a history of breast cancer in my family.

She is to get a mammogram on Monday to learn more...

Until then we can only wait and see...

So tired of being here...

2006-04-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really hate people...

people in general... I suppose this comes with the territory of owning a message forum...Ban someone and they attack you with everything they have and sometimes with things they don't.

I have been doing much better on some aspects of my life. I was getting over my depression and moving forward...

then it happens...

RKG comes back and attacks me. My weight, my writing, my family... everything I both love and have issues with he strikes at me with. Few understand and can sypathize... others tell me I shouldn't let it bother me and that his words are nothing.

Fuck that...

Words HURT!! I don't care who you are. Words can fucking cut sharper than the sharpest knife and frankly I am tired of being cut down. If ANYONE is going to hold the handle to the knife slicing into me- it should be ME.

Luckily I am not ready to die just yet... too much to live for.

Still... I do wish I could just go away right now.. disappear...

You're not real and you can't save me...

2006-04-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet my end

-Whisper by Evanescence

Love can be so confusing... I thought love was unconditional... That when you chose to be with a person, it would be forever. That no matter what they looked like, acted like, did, said, you would still love them. That is how I always perceived love as anyway... A friend blogged that love is selfish... That you love someone because of how they make you feel or what they do for you. I tend to agree, but there comes a point where a person can be TOO selfish in love.

I have always had one request when it comes to love... Be affectionate. Show me you want me and love me. Hold me when times are tough, tell me it will be okay. Fuck the material things, they are only gifts meant to buy off a person. Love isnt' material... It isn't supposed to be anyway. Love should never be one sided either. How can a person turn off love after knowing their loved one for almost 10 years? How can one just turn their back on the one they "love till death do they part"? I just don't understand, I really don't.

All I know is my love is unrequited.. not returned. I stopped knowing who he was when he changed and he decides to blame me... I have my faults, I won't deny that. But I never stopped trying. I was there for him, rubbed his shoulders when times were tough, tried to support him, accepted his colder personality when he changed...

Accepted.. didn't say I liked it.. or handled it very well. All my short erotic stories, love stories of any kind... They tell all. How I want to be held close and tenderly. To see the love in his eyes, to hear his whisper in my ear... To see him be HUMAN again...

He isn't the same man he once was.. but my love for him was unconditional, unlike his love for me. Just because things aren't going his way he pulls farther away and makes things worse. He knows what is needed to make things better but refused to even try longer than a day...

With so much hurt, 1 day.. 1 week.. hell maybe even 1 month isn't enough to fix the damage done. I don't want to let go... People have told me if I am not happy I should just leave... But that would be giving up and we haven't exhausted all our methods yet...

I am not a quitter. I am too stubborn for my own good. But I can't just bed down with a stranger and that is what he has made himself be to me. He refuses to do the things that could make me respond so much more to him, then complains that he isn't getting any... He doesn't want me anyway so what's with the complaint? If you don't want me then stop making the snide remarks... All I want is a little romance more than once or twice a year... the more affection I get the more I open up.. it worked when we were dating it will work now I promise that...

The problem is he says that he isn't that person anymore...

He is that person... Just too blind and too much of a fool to let that side back out again... Some people grow cold to protect themselves from the cold cruel world. However... When you do that, you block out any real chance for happiness. You have to give to receive... I was tired of giving and giving and giving... He will say the same... But he hasn't been giving what is needed to cover what he wants...

So I sit here ready to give up.. not on my marriage though... I am tired of being hurt. Tired of being betrayed. Tired of just accepting everything... I doubt he even cares how often the thought of dying enters my mind now... Yes.. once again I have fallen... I don't kow how to climb back out. I used to turn to God... But ... I handed my life over to Him and THIS happens... so now I just have the same songs stuck in my head... Oddly... all of them are Evanescence songs...

There isn't physical abuse yet... Just verbal but it cuts soo much deeper than the sharpest knife and he doesn't even care. Because it seems to make HIM feel better...
And this... this is what he has broken me down to... once again...

Tourniquet
Evanescence

I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I lay dying,
And I'm pouring,
crimson regret,
and betrayal.

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
And Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Will you forgive me ?

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet!
My suicide.

Return to me salvation...
Return to me....

My Last Breath
Evanescence

Hold on to me love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was
I love you and I'm not afraid

Oh!

Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms,
Holding my last breath?
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet rapture and life,
It ends here tonight.

I miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree

Can you find me?

I know you hear me,
I can taste it in your tears.
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you.
Sweet rapture and life,
It ends here tonight.

Closing your eyes and disappear-
You pray your dreams will leave you here,
But still you wake and know the truth -
No one's there.

Say goodnight, don't be afraid
Calling me, holding me, as you fade to black.

(Say goodnight) Holding my last breath
(Don't be afraid) Safe inside myself
(Holding me) Are my thoughts of you
Sweet rapture and life,
It ends here tonight.

trying to fix this...

2006-04-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

I talked about a lot of things going on in this marriage... What I didn't talk about was the constant verbal abuse... He again doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He goes on to complain about not seeing any of HIS money. He says once again he is no longer attracted to me... Then he expects me to believe him when he says he won't do anything outside our marriage... First we kind of HAVE to have a marriage before I should be worried about that...

We don't know each other anymore. He says we have nothing in common. We still do... Just on different levels. He tells me he will never be the person he used to be again and I have to accept that. I can't and I won't. He NEEDS counseling to deal with the death of his grandfather which changed him. But he refuses to go. I know I need help... I just don't have a license to drive anymore and they won't let me see anyone on base... That's the way it was there at Scott too... I hate that I can't use the same options Eric can... Have to go to a dentist off base, an optometrist off base, a psychologist off base... It really isn't fair... Especially because I REALLY do ned the help...

Then there is the school thing with the girls. Sierra is going into the 4 year old pre-K class and Chenoa the 3 year class. He tells me that because I am a SAHM that the girls should be above average and know how to count and their ABC's. They know basic shapes and their names and basic colors... But because they don't know numbers and ABC's he says they are below average. He had a father who was a teacher... Biology but still... My mom didn't do anything special with my sister or me and she was a SAHM until she and my biological father divorced because he was being unfaithful... I graduated High School with a 3.46 GPA. I think that's pretty good for someone who was below average when going into pre-K...

He doesn't hold my hand or walk near me in public because he says he is embarrassed of me. He says I dress like a slob with stained clothes. I told him I don't have a lot of good clothes and I couldn't ask for new ones because he said he wouldn't get me new clothes until I started to lose weight.. So what am I supposed to do? When I do dress up and put makeup on, he still won't stay near me because I am not some kind of "trophy wife", flawless skin, thin, what not... So I still don't see a point to it. I still do it, but I don't see a point to it...

I wanted to keep working on this, but he didn't seem interested.. I have noticed a slight change since the last talk.. But it still has a long way to go. He still won't hug me or kiss me... We are like room mates in this house right now... I just felt like this other female friend was more important to him than me and the girls... And being the way he feels... It was hard for me to swallow...

Well.. that is basically the deal with what is going on here. My mom is already making room just in case... But I would need the money to take the girls and take off from here if I finally actually chose to end this... I don't want to just yet- maybe I am too stubborn for my own good, but I know we haven't exhausted all our options for help yet... Until we do, I am still going to try... That is all I really can do at the moment... We really are just starting over...

Yesterday, I noticed he spent most the day with the girls and me and we all kind of played around. He laughed and joked, and he didn't make any comments about half-naked/naked women. He made one comment that went back to his not getting any that made me stop and get quiet but then he never said anything again. He even ate dinner with us... course his female friend had gone off storm chasing so he wasn't chatting on Yahoo IM with her... I bet he wouldn't have eaten wth us had she been online... He only came out to spend the rest of the night with us because she had a headache and went to bed.

There is still a long way to go... this is a long fight... but I am not ready to give up. I can't... That just isn't me...

Scared...

2006-03-29T20:50:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much the span of a day can change a person. I can go from happy to destroyed in the matter of minutes... But... I don't know. I just feel so scared and alone. So confused. Torn... I'm dreaming again. Dreaming of a time when things were better. When we both did things for each other. When nothing was more important than each other.

But now... Now I don't know. My world came to a crashing halt. I noticed he never kisses me before leaving for work. He barely tells me he loves me. And now... this other woman seems to be more important to him than me... He can talk to her about things that he apparently can't talk to me about. Then again, she is open to things that he wants to talk about. She is more his age so their limbido is the same. I'm sorry, that I can't accomadate what he wants.

He has one thing on his mind all the time. I don't. I think about more important things. I feel I have to in order for certain things to be taken care of. But he only sees me pulling away. I try hug him, do things for him, but it isn't enough. He thinks I do these things now because I want something. There is no just doing something for him because I want to anymore.

Sometimes I fear he wants out. And I wouldn't blame him. I wouldn't. I mean look at me. I am NOTHING like I was 9 years ago when we first met. I am more than 100 pounds overweight thanks to stress, 2 kids, and no energy or support. I hide behind my writing instead of spending time with him because he only wants one thing out of me and I am not wanting it. The thought of being with him almost disgusts me now. I love him... I do. I just want to start over. He is 16 in a 23 year old body. Having to be a family man when all he wants is to have fun.

I can't give him his fantasy. I won't lower my standards to that point. Besides, who else would we find? I am self conscious enough about myself in front of him let alone a 3rd person. I'm the type to dress with the lights off and keep my eyes closed in the shower. I HATE the way I look. I do. And his comments, his references... he says he's being himself, but it's KILLING me inside. Because I am not what he wants...

I fear if we didn't have the girls, we would have gone our separate ways a long time ago. that we are together now only for them. At least he is. I still love him. I always have. He's changed. His body isn't what it once was. His personality is TONS different from what it used to be, but I still love him. I still want him... need him... I don't want to let him go.

But at the same time I can't really trust him either. He swears he isn't going anywhere. Or that he won't do anything. But then there this women... She is EVERYTHING that I am not. Self confident, bi sexual, into everything that he is... thin... an ex-stripper... I can't compete with that... I can't...

I called him tonight... at work. Just to tell him I loved him... then I hung up, I couldn't get my voice to say anymore... There was a minute that passed and he called back asking me what that was for. So I told him it was because I wanted to tell him. And then all my strength was gone. I can't fight anymore. There's no fight left in me. I try and he pulls farther away, for what I do isn't enough. There is always got to be something more.

My tears fall like the rain. But they go unseen. My cries, lost on the wind...feel so lost... feel so alone... I don't know what to do. I just want it back. I want to feel love again... But it's gone... He says it because he feels he has to... If that it what he truly feels, then I don't want to hear it anymore... Because the words cut like knife through my back and into my heart... Who needs to live the life of a RP character.. when I am living the lesser violent life of Sanura already...?

Oh Yes!!!!

2006-03-29T06:28:00.000-08:00

MY MOM'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!

Yup that's right! ^_^ I just heard from her this morning and she told me this time it was more than a promise ring. Sometime the end of summer she is getting married again! I am happy for her, but I hate that I can't be there for her during this. I really miss her. But I am sooo glad.

This guy is the best one really. He is golden to her and treats her the way she deserves to be treated. Finally someone who really cares about her regardless of the things she has done in her life, regardless of her weight, someone who just loves her for HER.

This has been a long time coming. I am just glad to finally see her happy again. ^_^

A Lot On My Mind...

2006-03-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

So if I start to ramble, just kind of bear with me. I am not quite sure where to go with this post. I am torn and confused. Not sure where to go or who to turn to. It's scary almost. First the deal with my step-father... so many tell me I shouldn't worry about it. That I should make him deal with it since he tried to screw me with it to begin with. Part of me wants to and then part of me wants to step up and do something about it too.

I can't stand that he is bothering my mother about this. She has enough to deal with, she doesn't need him. If I did try to take it again it would only be to get him off her case. Can't he just melt away and never come back? I mean where is Malik when I need him? ...Then again, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea either ... still... a person could dream... I don't wish him harm or ill.. just that he would go away and leave my family, my mother, alone.

Then there is E. I have to wonder if he is really worth defending anymore. He is a good guy.. when it suits him. But ... there are just some things I can't take anymore. I make changes to my diet and routine.. but that isn't good enough. "It's getting better outside, why don't you go for walks more often?"
Um.. probably because I just spend an hour and a half dancing around with the grls and my legs feel like they want to fall off. But it's more than just my wieght , which has been a constant problem since the girls were born...

He never knows when he should open his mouth and when he should keep it shut. I mean at least SOME guys out there have the decency to keep their mouths shut about certain things when their wives are with them.. at least I hope they have the respect to anyway... But E... no.. he has to make a little remark about every half naked woman he sees on TV. He has to make little remarks that allude to him not getting much and his remarks make it sound like it is ALL my fault. He doesnt' realize that I don't give in for a reason. You would think he would.. but you know why he doesn't? Because he said it himself. he just doesn't care.

So why am I bothering trying to defend someone who doesn't care? He only goes after what HE wants in bed. What I want... well- doesn't matter. He has read the little short erotic stories I have written. They tell what the women want in those stories. what I want in real life. The way the women in my erotic stories are treated, more often than not are treated lovingly and tenderly when they are being made love to by their partners. It's not sex... Marriage.. I thought sex would be at least a little different now and then. That he would hold me close and whisper to me.

Turns out I feel more like Roxy felt in Chicago. Like he is fixing a carburatuer or something "Oh I love ya, honey, I love ya..." Yeah well... My breasts don't care... they don't want to be slapped around. Never mind... I'll stop there...

You know.. he used to kiss me every day, or night, before he left for work. Now he barely says good night to me when he leaves. 4 years... 4 years and what do we have? A marriage that is barely held together by what little faith I have? A wife torn down and feeling lower than low more often than she feels alive? A man who is so busy thinking about his own needs he neglects the needs of his wife... Yet it always is blamed on me... It's always my fault.

Just because I let myself get so big... even though I am trying to change. I just don't have the energy anymore. He has no idea how many times I have laid there pretending to be interested or excited by what he was doing when in my head all I can think of is "oh god please let this be over soon..." I am too the point I have to close my eyes and pretend he is someone else.. doing something else in order to get a decent enough reaction out of my body anymore... it's bad...

I guess I just finally have to admit I am not happy. I haven't been happy .... really happy in at LEAST 4 years... And now... now it gets better. He looks up profiles of women on MySpace that are scantilly dressed. There is one in particular that I wished he would just block and delete from his friend's list, but I can't do that. And I know he won't... he likes the eye candy.

Why can't he go back to being the guy he was when I met him. Loved him. He was sweet and tender. Loving and gentle. He did things that I wanted and then I would do the same for him. kisses for no reason, snuggling on the couch watching movies... Never spoke about women like that in front of me. Never even made it look like he was LOOKING when I was with him. He made me feel like I was his only one. Now... Now I don't feel that way..

I want to be in the lives of my RP Characters more and more... Even if the guys aren't that great, they know how to make them feel loved in the end when it couldn't the most. When we end it's hugs and kisses all over the place. I want that back.

No... I NEED that back...

CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!!!

2006-03-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

Yes this is cross posted to almost all my blogs so if you have seen this already, sorry...

I swear it. I am really beginning to hate him, and I don't want to hate. I am ranting here so bare with me. See I have this man that had once been in my life. He adopted me and tried to act like a father to me. That is fine and dandy. I am sure he did his best. But ... I have learned he is a self centered person for the most part. Always trying to put sympathy on him. I admit things haven't been the best for anyone. And I am not saying that things are any worse for me than him. I don't personally care. It was his own ways that destroyed his marriage to my mother. My sister and I never wanted anything to do with him, but we did what we had to do.

Out of respect, every year once I had my own money, I bought Father's Day cards and Christmas gifts. I called him while I was in college, to see how he was doing. I was TRYING to be a daughter. But apparently that wasn't good enough. Because nothing I did mattered when it came to him. My sister never even tried. Always begged me to put her name on the gifts, but she never called to say hi. Only to ask him for money or help with something. I at least TRIED. She was only using him.

Yes, he did help me get a vehicle... A LEASED vehicle. Now WHO in their right mind gives a TEENAGER going to COLLEGE a LEASED vehicle? I had $500 I wanted to spend on some car off the side of the road that would get me around. I didn't want anything brand new and certainly didn't want a leased vehicle I was going to have to return later. It didn't makes sense to me to spend that kind of money and I always complained about it. I was grateful for the vehicle, sure, but I would have been just as grateful with something off the side of the road.

It didn't help that before the company he worked for went bankrupt, he was sent to Ohio twice with that same vehicle. He told me he would cover the mileage for those trips. But after the bankruptcy did he even THINK about that option anymore? I am mostly betting on not. and I KNEW that would happen. I knew it was a horrible idea. Being 18 though... I was young and stupid and I felt taken advantage of. I felt forced to take over that lease. Anyone can ask my mom and friends. They would all say the same on how much I hated being in that lease. To make matters worse is the stupid fan on the truck snapped off 1 week prior to when I was to turn in that truck. Which would have left me once again with no vehicle and I was 6 months pregnant at the time. Dan disowned me by then and I had no idea what I was doing. No one to help me. What did he expect. I will say it again. I HATED THAT LEASE!!! All I wanted was a vehicle of my own that I DID NOT have to give back. but here is where the good parts come in... good as in the bad gets worse...

During my wedding, my mother had not made it to the courthouse ceremony. She was trying to get a few things set up at the restaurant and get the cake finished and get ready. She was heartbroken that she missed it and she had no help to get ready. My sister was supposed to but she didn't. So what does he do? He tells my grandparents that she was too busy drnking to even make it to my wedding. And he goes on to tell them about the time he helped to get her out of jail when she had mistakenly taken medicine with 1 drink of alcohol. She had never wanted them to know about that and he KNEW this. So he goes and tells them anyone ON MY WEDDING DAY!!!!

He was supposed to take care of the dinner tab for the reception as mom had taken care of everything else. What does he do? He borrows money from my Great grandmother. It was one thing after another. I hated him for the things he said about my mother. Eric and I had been so worried we wanted to go and check on her. Dan had the nerve to order us NOT to. He honestly DID NOT want us to go looking for her. We didn't listen and went anyway. She is my MOTHER. I am going to go LOOK for her if I WANT to and I wasn't going to let HIM stop me. To make things even MORE interesting.. he started telling everyone that he was just "taking care of your messes" . He was cleaning up mom's mess when he married her. He was cleaning up my mess by putting me in the god foresaken lease, he was cleaning up Melissa's mess when she had her car accident and needed a new vehicle. He wasn't being a father to us. He was doing my mom a favor by cleaning up our messes. Suddenly it was beginning to make some kind of sense. What I didn't understand was why he continued to help my sister when she did nothing but contact him only when she needed money or something. He said I never tried. I never did anything. And to that I saw it is nothing but a huge load of BS.

I admit I didn't remain in contact with him much after that.. but then I heard about my Grandpa passing away. I swallowed my pride and went over to pay my respects. I talked with other family members and promised them I would be at the funeral. I was just getting ready to leave when I was asked if I would sing at the funeral. If my sister had been there to practice with me, she could have too- but she was unable to get there for the rehearsal with the Pianist. She wasn't even there for the funeral. What do I hear after that?

I didn't go to the funeral to pay my respects. I went only to sing. I was a fake.

Finally I had enough. I was done. I wrote him off. I wasn't going to let him talk about me like that and pretend to keep a smile on my face whenever he was around. Uncle Lynn had wanted me to keep in touch. I wanted to. And Cousin Marie and Dennis... Even now, only Cousin Jenny is keeping in touch with me. I just couldn't take him trashing me like that. I sat by and watched him help my sister time and time again, knowing that she was using him. She only remained on good terms with him because she knew he would be there to help her if she needed help later. I asked for his help once in college when it came to that truck.. he should have known then that this was going to be a problem. Anyone else would have known anyway. Otherwise I never asked him for anything. Okay- one other time that I tried to live with him. He swore up and down he had changed his ways and I needed out of the home I was in.

Ever try being 20 years old, working 2 jobs and having a curfew?

I was quiet when I came home. I stayed to myself. He got angry when my husband (who was only my fiance at the time) got sick and I wanted to stay a couple days at my fiance's home to keep an eye on him. It was like I was not allowed to have a life outside of work. He made it obvious he didn't like Eric. He thought Eric was "just a phase" that I would get over. Well he wasn't. This Wednesday will be 4 years of marriage. Eric and I have known each other almost 10 years total now. I think that proves that he is more than "just a phase".

And my sister's wedding... There's a joke. He spent the night trying to keep giving my mom drinks that she didn't want. She had changed from her old ways and he didn't seem to believe it. Like he kept wanting to prove what he said about her at my wedding. He sulked and snapped. He avoided me which worked to my mom's advantage as I stayed near her. I had brought the girls with me and they played with their cousins. It was cute. I got to see family who actually WANTED to see me. He never once tried to talk to me that night. Not ONCE. The one comment I do remember hearing from him to my mom: "At least ONE of our kids is happy." I was guessing he was referring to Melissa and Shaun who.. were ... not exactly the happiest couple on their wedding day.. there were a few things going wrong behind the scenes I guess that I opted not to get involved in.

But here is the thing that sparked this rant. That blasted Lease... You know, I find it hard to believe that a company as big as GMAC can't find someone who owes them money. My other creditors were always able to find me no matter where I went. The even more surprising part of this is that this dept didn't even turn up when the military did it's background check on me when Eric had applied to join the Air Force, and my financial record was combined with his as a joint thing. He is just as much responsible for my debts now as I am and yet the Air Force didnt' come up with this one... I had been under the impression it had been take care of somehow when I quit getting phone calls and notices and the military didn't flag it.

2 years ago I get a call that Dan is looking for me, wanting my phone number. Odd considering I heard he took me out of his will. Even odder still is he claims to still be a grandfather. Now.. how is that possible when he only claims my sister and she doesn't have any kids? It REALLY doesn't make any sense. He wanted nothing to do with me. So I got his phone number from my sister and called him. (smartly I called him from my cell phone not my home phone). He told me that GMAC was really starting to get to him about this debt. I told him then, I stay at home ith the girls. I have no money of my own and Eric and I were barely getting by. There was no way I could handle that. Especially on my own. GMAC hadn't even been willing to work out payments that were reasonable for me. They wanted like $200 or $300 a month or so to clear the debt up in 2 years max. I can't do it that way. Not when we are trying to barely raise 2 kids. Luckily there is no hope for anymore or else we would really be screwed. If GMAC had been willing to work with smaller payments, like maybe $50 a month then maybe I could see us working out something, but they never were willing to go that low even when I tried to fight with them about it.

Anyway, I told him all this and he hung up. the call lasted like less than a minute. But I made sure he knew that I just couldn't do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to- I just couldn't do it under their restrictions. There was no way.

Things were quiet for 2 years. Not a word was said. I got no notices, no phone calls. My mom was left alone, my sister never said anything. I thought maybe he had taken care of it. I thought foolishly that maybe he had just decided to wipe me out of his life completely by getting rid of that too. WHy not? He always did things like that for my sister. But then again.. I was just never as good as my sister. She was the good one in his book. The one who only called him when she needed something and SHE was the good one. She was always the innocent one and the one that could do no harm.... I hate that he thought that way of her. Or at least acted like it.

But now... I get a message from my mom. Melissa is being used as a go between. Dan is mad at something again and now is going after everyone. He wants money my mom had barrowed from him. He is stirring up trouble for her and her new boyfriend again. He was fine when she was alone. But now that she is happy again with a promise ring to show for it, suddenly he is there to ruin her life once again. And in the process ruin mine. He says GMAC wants to take him to court over this now. He wants my address because he says they want to work this out through me and not him. Well... Melissa doesn't contact me. I don't know where she lives, she only knows I am in Washington. Everything is in Eric's name as I am only a dependant. But still... My other creditors were able to find me within the first week of moving out here. I guess his not knowing where to find me helped for a little while.

I am not denying that it needs to be taken care of. I wasn't even really trying to hide from it. They quit contacting me even when they had my address. So I just assumed.. guess I shouldn't have done that. I have an old notice from GMAC from like 4 years ago... I can contact them... But what can I do that I haven't already tried to do? And why should I pay for milege on that truck that I didn't put on it? He has money due on it just as I do. Granted mine is more, but still, he owes on it to.

I swear he is just doing this out of spite. Maybe I am wrong for thinking the way I am, but I can't help it. He has done so many unforgivable things. He brought this separation upon himself. My only response to forget I even existed as far as I am concerned... You were never REALLY a father to me. You tried to pretend but I lived in fear of you as a child. A child should never live in fear of their parents. I hid in my room which shut me out of everything. It was something I had grown accustomed to and always did the rest of my life. Even now I stay away from others. I can't handle being out in open places with lots of other people. I would rather stay by myself most times or with just 3 or 4 good friends. You trapped me in that paper when I was too young and stupid to know what I was getting myself into. Now you expect me to deal with it alone. Sorry- but you owe some on that too. Not just me. I may owe more, but you have to take care of what you said you would cover as well. It isn't just me. You will never have my address. Never have my phone number. I will contact them. Don't know what I will say, but I will...

I admit I have VERY little respect for you. The things you have said and done... makes you look like a child who needs to grow up. So do us all a favor and quit throwing your tantrums. Just because Mom is happy again, doesn't give you the right to ruin it. LEAVE US ALL ALONE!!!

Sorting through my mind...

2006-03-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

I can't help thinking that maybe... just maybe, I have done something wrong. Maybe I am over thinking things, but still. Things were fine most the day. I have been a little on edge it seems at home because E has seemed oddly touchy the last few days. But he won't tell me what's wrong. He keeps telling me it's nothing. I'm not a fool. I know there is something wrong. I know he is thinking about something.

He has been spending a lot of time online at night with a woman we met back at Scott AFB. A woman he wishes I was more like. She is a very open bi-sexual. I am not against it- it just fits more into the lifestyle he wishes I had and I don't. Her lifestyle just makes her perfect for him. She likes guns and is willing to try and explore new things. She ... She could make all his fantasies become real. Something I can't.. sorry.. won't... do. Maybe if I hadn't had the history I did, maybe. Maybe if we didn't have children so early... no... No maybe's about it. I have more respect for myself than to turn my bedroom acts into group performances. That is HIS fantasy not mine.

He asked me once what my fantasy was. I told him he would be disappointed if he knew. He thinks I am like him. He thinks I want a third person involved from time to time. He thinks I would enjoy it. He thinks I want to have my hands and ankles cuffed. He thinks I want it rough. He thinks... I think he should stop thinking.

Before him... I was cheated on because I wouldn't give in and give the guys what they wanted. I was beaten, cuffed, burned with cigarettes (all by one guy and some of his friends...), later I was assaulted. Misdirected anger.... a friend I was supposed to be able to trust. I still can't say his name without thinking about that night at the football game... That cold, cold night, that grew only more colder. Then... a year later... raped by another. He just wouldn't listen when I told him I wasn't ready. He didn't care...

Yes... the memories are back and plaguing my mind. I brought them back on my own accord though. A friend in need... she needed to hear that she wasn't alone. She needed to know how I managed to keep going. But that isn't what this post is about. It's ... I guess I don't really know what I wanted to say... I'm just so confused right now.

My fantasy? Just to be treated gently. Kind words, sweet nothings whispered in my ear. To hear that he loves me. To feel him hold me tight. JUST hold me. I don't want anything more right now. I've no interest in it. I just want tofeel the closeness... But today... today all there was .. was distance.

He has been leaving for work earlier and earlier every day this week. I know I shouldn't worry. I should trust him.. but given my history.. do you really blame me? He tells me nothing is wrong... Odd he grew silent after I told him to stop grabbing at me in front of the girls... He swears he never did. Odd.. I distinctly remember him doing so on several occassions. To the point where they think it's okay to grab my chest in public even. I yell at him for it every time it happens, too. How many times do I have to tell him... I... Don't... Want... To.. Be.. Grabbed.

I've been grabbed enough in my lifetime. It is not a turn on. I hate it. STOP IT! .... please just stop it... Stop and think about MY wants and needs as a woman for a change instead of your wants and needs as a man... What I want and what you want are 2 different things... I write things that are appealing to some men who would read the things on my Forbidden Tales blog... Threesomes, adulturous affairs...

In Role Plays, there is a character who has accepted that her sister and husband have slept together. She isn't angry. She isn't even really stopping them... He wishes he were marreied to that character... but because she is my character, E thinks that I secretly want that kind of lifestyle. That I would be okay with it. He says it's psychological... Like I said, I can write it for entertainment purposes. Dosen't mean I can live like that...

I say he's insane if he thinks I would live a life like that. I take my wedding vows very seriously. I have never once cheated on anyone I have ever dated. Bedding anyone other than my husband (even if he is there) is still cheating in my eyes. I won't do it. He CAN'T make me.

I admit, I am affectionate to those I am close to, both male and female. Hugs, kisses on the cheek. But nothing more. And I never kiss on the lips. It's too personal. My lips belong to the one I married and no other. Nothing he says or does will ever change that. Because if I give in once.. he will expect it o happen all the time. That is the trap his mother fell into.

His father has had that girlfriend of his for almost 7 years now. Even her husband knows about them. And they are allowed to continue. The way thier relationship was in the very beginning... swingers I guess you can describe it as... E's mother let his father get away with it back then... Once his father got a taste.. there was no way he could give it up. You can't give a kid candy and then suddenly take it away just because you feel like it. There will be problems...

I need to just let this go... I have to just take E at his word there there is nothing wrong and that he really did just go to work to help someone who was alone there in the office for a little while. Weather conditions aren't what the guy is used to so E said he would go in and help him... Maybe nothing really is wrong. Odd though after I told him to stop... he suddenly decided to leave...

Nothing Else Matters
Metallica

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

I never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no nothing else matters

I Can Only Imagine...

2006-02-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

It is a favorite song of mine by Mercy Me. And as soon as I can get filelodge.com to work- or find a new music file hosting site that actually works, I will be able to share it with any who are interested. For now I can share the lyrics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
I can only imagine (yeah)

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the sun
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine ye-ah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine.

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always tear up when I hear that song. I speaks to me in so many ways. It is one of the most beautiful songs I think I have EVER heard. I am glad to share it with those interested in hearing it only because I feel it needs to be shared.
Otherwise, nothing much has been going on. E slept all day as he worked all night. So it was nice and quiet... except for the girls running around lol. I think I am to head off to bed now- I need to get some sleep. For some reason I feel drained.. Not sure why exactly... I just feel.. really drained...

rolls eyes ...

2006-02-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hey... just to let you know...

My closet, my clothes... Hands off...

Just because I haven't worn those 2 particular pieces on lingerè in a while, doesn't mean I NEVER will.

I have to like myself in order to wear that kind of thing. Right now, I don't. I can't lose this weight for you. I have to lose it for me. Get rid of a couple of reasons for me to want to lose it and I am back to only losing it for you...

It won't work.

So please respect me enough to keep out of my clothes. If I want them thrown, I will throw them myself...

EDIT: He and I talked about this... He still is not really understanding but he agreed to keep his hands off... Guys... *rolls eyes* They can be such a pain in the rear we have to wonder just why so many of us women feel we need them in our lives... They make us think we have to be stick thin in order to wear bikini's, they pull away the minute you get maybe 5 or 10 pounds overweight, they think it is so freaking easy to lose the 100 (give or take) pounds that you have gained in the 9 years you have been together ( thanks to the extra stress they added to our life I might add-_-" )... He's a good guy... he's just...

Well... he's just a guy... *shakes head with a smile* At least I should be grateful he wasn't taking my clothes out of the closet to wear them... *shudders* Nothing against those who do- but I don't see it as a turn on for myself personally... I would rather my clothes remain MY clothes... -_-"

Here By Me/Broken

2006-02-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for romance...

Even if it is the kind that can never truly be...

Just sharings some DN Angel Music Videos I found on Youtube.com

Here By Me:

Broken:

Note: You can also find these videos posted in my RP blog "The Light That Pierces the Darkness".

Kissing Quiz...

2006-02-13T18:47:00.000-08:00

Your Kissing Purity Score: 37% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Early V-Day...

2006-02-12T19:05:00.000-08:00

For my friends who visit here who are in different Time Zones and will be celeberating Valentine's Day Tomorrow... And then for the others who will be celebrating it when Our own February 14th comes around...

Winds of change....

2006-02-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah yeah- It may be corny, but look around lol. I have decided to get a little creative and try to spruce up the site a bit. I still have a long way to go and eventually it will lead to a brand new layout as soon as I have it all figured out. It is just taking everything piece by piece. Redoing my links was just part of it. This is also allowing me to learn more about any limitations my PSP X may or may not have...

Since we added the RAM to the computer, it has really speeded things up. It is alctually nice because now I am able to have teh screens open that I need to make the changes I need- as well as run my media player and PSP X at the same time. I wasn't able to before as in order to run my PSP X I had to shut everything down. It got boring and I would lose interest because I need the music to keep me going sometimes.

Things seem to be going pretty well over here which is nice considering that Valentine's Day is around the corner. Eric has gone out of his way to do something for me. I am not allowed near his truck until then. Not that I ever went near his truck to begin with lol. I can't help but wonder what he has. I know recently he has stopped complaining about things that I like- especially my anime. He has gotten the 3 Graphic Novels for me PLUS 2 boxed collections of a couple of anime I have recently found myself obsessing over, Fruits Basket and DN Angel. I couldn't be more thrilled.

He never even complained when for 2 days straight I sat down with the girls to watch "cartoons" just so I could finally see what I was missing lol. I have got to say- he may not understand it, but I loved both shows. I am only waiting on one other. It should arrive today... Should... I guess it is just a wait and see time. This is just an anime that I have always adored.

If I get it, I just know my sister will fall over. Since it really isn't available in stores anymore unless you are really lucky. Most times you can only find it if a collector decides to sell, and usually you have to spend close to $150 or more for the collection. *shakes head and smiles* Not me. I found it online. TheENTIRE collection- books 1 and 2 plus the OAV series that came after (that I never saw) all for only $82.

There was no WAY I could pass that up. So a childhood anime will finally be mine once again. And no I don't mean Sailor Moon lol. It was an okay anime- but not something that held my attention after about mid way through the 2nd season. No- I don't think I will be adding that particular anime to my collection lol. At least not yet lol. *shrugs* Who knows ^_^ "

Anyway- Just dropping in to let everyone know that things are doing okay. I have been sick for the past week. Headaches and upset stomach. I couldn't kick it. I am still dealing with part of it but at least the headaches are slowing up. Eric is off looking at a blazer he was hoping to get. By the end of next week I should be able to finally get my license for the state of Washington. It is long overdo lol. Guess it's a good thing I wasn't driving around here, eh? Just be on the lookout as more changes come up on here and several other places I work on. This is only just the beginning.

Butterflies on the Wind: Tagged

2006-02-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

Butterflies on the Wind: Tagged
Hmm.. I was tagged it seems lol. I have never been tagged here on blogger before... Well- it gives me something to do for a little while...

4 jobs you've held

1. Well- My first job was at a place called Meijer. It is like the Walmart Supercenter actually. I bagged groceries, pushed carts, then became a cashier. Had to leave when it began to conflict with my schooling at the time.
2. Worked at Fabrics and crafts place called Jo-Ann Fabrics. I basically worked the register, but I did cut fabrics and managed stock as well.
3. Worked at a little place called Tim Horton's. Kind of like Starbucks...
4. A ticket master at the Theatre at my college, as well as created costumes.

4 places you've lived
I’m one who has lived in many places;
1. North Branch, Michigan
2. Otter Lake, Michigan
3. Biloxi, Mississippi
4. Scott AFB, Illinois

4 movies you'd watch over and over
I typically get bored with regular movies over and over again- but nab me something I enjoy- Like in this case Anime *smirk* and I can do it lol

1. Yu-Gi-Oh! (DVD collections)
2. Fruits Basket (DVD Collections)
3. DN Angel (DVD Collections)
4. Ronin Warriors (DVD Collections- have to- it no longer airs on TV)

4 TV Shows I watch
1. Law & Order
2. CSI (Las Vegas)
3. Law & Order: SVU
4. Law & Order: CI

4 sites I visit every day

1. TV Tomer's Yu-Gi-Oh! (Link can be found in my link section)
2. Live Journal.com (link provided at side bar but only people with an LJ account who have friended my account has access to the posts. It is pretty much my only closed off blog
3. Deviant Art (Link to be found in link section again)- I have all my poems and short stories amoung some graphics posted there for the copyright protection
4. blogger and/or MSN Space to update and check on blogs of mine and friends

4 places I'd rather be right now

1. In a hotel room by myself with a laptop.
2. Australia - To meet and visit Blue
3. Arizona- To meet AFG and visit with both her and Checkmate!
4. Michigan... I miss my family and friends there

4 people I'm going to tag with this:

I don't think I will tag... But anyone is welcome to give it a shot lol. The friends I would have tagged were tagged already ^_^

I will post another post later as a better update *wave*

...

2006-02-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Nothing much new is going on here really. Tax refund is in and we just have to get a large sum of it transferred to Eric's account so he can get his vehicle. And as soon as the new debit card gets here for Paypal I can get what I have been wanting.

I have been struck by the creative bug again. And this time I have a strong idea that this can work. Just a matter of finding time to work on it now lol. Otherwise there isn't much going on. Trying to get used to my diet supplements again. They have some odd side effects though... like insomnia... I went to bed about 9:45 last night and my eyes shot open at 12:30. I couldn't go back to sleep and my alarm was due to go off in 30 minutes anyway so I just got up. Got some icons uploaded to my photobucket account and then posted onto my message forum and then got the preview page started for my new novel idea...

Trying to decide if I want it to be an online fiction now or if I want it to actually be published... There is a section on AFF.net that I could post original work, and there are some chapters that would fall into the adult category. I admit I am not extremely graphic with my adult scenes as seen in my Forbidden Tales posts, but they are still rated M for mature... Speaking of which I think I have another plot bunny running around but it has to wait it's turn. Considering those chapters are from scenes in the MSN RP that I am apart of, I have to wait and see what characters slip up and find themselves together next lol. One couple is seriously hurting after the latest turn and another couple... Is behaving themselves right now until they are certain what is going on.

You know... I love that this RP is much more interesting than the daytime soap opers on TV. I can sit here and watch (or rather read) what is going on in the RP all day if I could. I just can't get myself as interested in the soaps I used to watch anymore... It's kind of sad really... And yet it is a good thing at the same time lol. Anyway... I have rambled enough, I need to get back to writing lol.

The Masquerade Ball

2006-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

I came across this poem on Deviant Art by la-reine-rouge. I don't know why, but it caught my attention and I feel the urge to share it... All credit goes to la-reine-rouge:

The hourglass lay in the dark
Its shadows were half turned
The candle, which was long put out
Had left the floorboards burned
The bed sheets that were last seen made
Left bloodied on the floor
Downstairs the tempered violins
Rang out their final score
The wind was screaming through the drapes
The whole room icy cold
But as the party raged downstairs
The horrors went untold
~la-reine-rouge~

sigh

2006-01-30T11:21:00.000-08:00

I really wish I understood HTML better... I am so terribly bored with the default templates here on blogger... but I don't have the time or patience to work on making one of my own in which I can understand it. That is my problem- actually understanding what I am doing... And purchasing a layout is out- I don't have THAT kind of money.

I appreciate what people do but to pay for a blog layout? I understand paying for a company layout or something but for a blog? Oh well.. I guess people need to get money somehow... I just better try to figure out this kind of coding so I may be able to figure out how to create layouts...

This update was pointless... *shrugs* I will come back later with a different one I am sure... I am tired but can't sleep... I will go and try to sleep anyway. I need it...

The True Me...

2006-01-28T04:06:00.000-08:00

I found this poem on a picture someone had drawn for DN Angel... I liked it and wanted it post it here. I just also wanted everyone to know that while I do write poetry- this is NOT mine...

The Miraculous night cast by the mirror
started to remove my mask, my soul.
On the other side of the collapsing wall, Despair and
Hope looked just the same.
If there's a heart that's yet
To be seen we'll all head to the
End of the prologue.
In the world where the
Wind blows like a blade,
What is it I should protect?
In a journey where
I know one painful
Thing after another, I get
Closer to the true me.

Close Your Eyes....

2006-01-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

"Held by the wings of an Angel....."

Close Your Eyes... The song came off the Buffy The Vampire Soundtrack... But the theme of it fits my mood at the moment... And for good reason... Tomorrow is the anniversary of a friend's death. 10 years ago his car was struck and mangled by a drunk driver. I can never forget that night. The screaming tires, busting glass, crunching metal... then silence. Like someone had turned off a switch.

My friend was a good person. He helped me find freedom when I was trapped in an abusive relationship. He taught me many things from self-defense, to finding and having faith in myself. He gave me such a different outlook on life. He taught me to love, without actually being anything more than just friends. I was almost 15. He was almost 17. We never let on that we had felt anything deeper for each other. I think deep down we both knew.

That night at the hospital, we were the only ones there. His family had been out of town. He asked to see his friends. Specifically me. The doctors knew he didn't have a lot of time so they granted his wish. I remember walking in and looking at him... I'll never forget. I sat beside his bed and held his hand. He whispered his last words to me before he passed on. I held his hand as he left us. I hated him for his words. But only because of my grief. I mean... what can you do when the one who dies chooses his last words to tell you he loves you... and leaves before you can tell him the same...

I didn't go into much here as far as detail. I am working on a story based on this event that I have been posting up on Deviant Art. I changed the names and towns and stores, but the events are still the same. He always loved my writing. My poems and my stories. I figured as a tribute I would honor him this way. By telling our story.

This, my friends is why, even though I do drink, I absolutely REFUSE to drive afterward. I drink only when I know I am not going anywhere. And almost always when I am home only. Long after my daughters have gone to bed. I have never completely lost myself to the drink. Have never been drunk. Never intend to be so.

I value my life and the life of others too much to put so many people at risk. And I love my family too much to pull myself from them, or worse, pull their lives from me. I am the one friends can depend on to call when they need a ride home after a night of drinking. I would rather have a call form them at 2 am needing that ride than never hearing from them again.

My friend is always with me. I can still sense him. He watches over me. He protected me in life and chooses to protect me even in death. My friend, my light, my heart and hope... I shall never forget you...

~And in my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky. And my heart there will always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am there you'll be. And Everywhere I am.... There you'll be...~

Update on post - "Prayers and Thoughts"

2006-01-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I posted about a friend who's daughter had been assualted by her live in boyfriend. I just wanted to drop back in with an update...

My friend's daughter has opted not to press charges... The "boyfriend" is being very cooperative & is seeking the psychological treatment HE needs, as well as providing financially for her to have psychological counseling, as he knows he's responsible for supplying her with his prescription medication! She is not to be having any personal contact with him, and she was returning to work. Just taking one day at a time. Sadly things didn't go as would hoped.. Like they ever do in cases like this...

The daughter disappeared one night...My friend finally called her eldest daughter in Austin & SHE was able to get a hold of the missing daughter by text message. So the oldest daughter called my friend right back & then the youngest called her while she was still on the line w/ the oldest. The youngest sounded perfectly fine on the phone, I guess. She apologized for having her phone on vibrate & for worrying her mother. My friend had to have a serious talk w/ her later that day to find out FOR SURE what the "deal" was.

They suspected she went to see the boyfriend, whom they believe she's still in love with, even though she claims she isn't ('typical scenario for such a "relationship," sadly...) She DID lie to her mother about where she was going last nite, as the oldest daughter talked to the friend that she said she was going to visit & he hadn't heard from her! My friend told her younger daughter that & she STILL claimed that she DID go over to the alibi friend's house.

During her talk with her daughter, My friend had to explain that she was living back at home and some respect needed to be given. They don't ask much- just to call if they won't be home till late so that they know she is still alive. Considering what she just went through even I find that reasonable (I was a victim of domestic violence in a bad way as well so that says something for me to agree with that...).
It was agreed that alot of what happened had been the daughter's own doing for the choices she made that she knew could lead to bad situations, but my friend also told her daughter that because teh "boyfried" is 34, he is the one ultimately responsible no matter what. His drugs, he never should have offered them to her among other things...

"The "boyfriend" is arranging for them to start therapy by next week. He's going to have an awful lot to prove--by his actions, not his words--he's going to have to show me that he's sincere in everything that he claims to do to get both himself & my daughter "healthy" again!! I pray that he WILL live up to what he SAYS, but I'm highly (understandably) skeptical, at this point! Only time will tell. They love each other &amp;amp; want to get healthy & work things out, so I pray it will come to pass. One day at a time..."

My next post... will probably be an update on me.. lol. If there is really anything of interest to update on, that is lol.

poem...

2006-01-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across this poem and wanted to share it. The credit to it is at the bottom of the post...

To meet nevermore.
Tears of sorrow overflow deep within my heart.
What good, this potion of life?
All is but dust in the wind...

Oh, arrow of mine,
With power pure and immense to slay the dragon.
Do your good deed fast and swift.
Grasp the crystal in its neck.

I ventured to see if what I had heard was true,
but this jeweled sprig with leaves so real,
‘twas nothing more than an empty promise.

The white hot flames of my love for you
cannot burn this cloth of fur.
My raiment, sleeves dried of tears,
now on this day I don.

Could you have but known but that it would burn so swiftly,
this raiment of fur,
you would not have then sat with such little show of concern.

Time has past swiftly as I have waited to see the shell you promised.
They say that I wait in vain.
Could this be so?

I hope to find the gleam of the fallen dew,
but nothing can I see.
Why did you go yonder to mount Ogura?

Disclaimer: I did not write, nor do I take credit for these words, they belong to the dubbers of the 2nd Inuyasha movie.

Prayers and thoughts...

2006-01-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

I received a disturbing email this morning from an older friend of mine who's daughter is in serious trouble. I am posting it here to help explain but some parts have been ommitted and names changed to protect the identity of my friend. I am just hoping that anyone who happens to pass through her and reads this will keep her and her family in their thoughts and prayers. They are in for a very long road to recovery... and the emotional scars will never completely go away from this...

The Email:

"My Dear "Sisters":

Please keep my family in yours prayers as we are in crisis
ourselves right now--concerning my #2 daughter (age 22), "Kaitlynn".
Her boyfriend (whom she had just recently moved out of our house for
the first time to live with) assaulted her--she's lucky to be alive,
as he had a shotgun--put a hole in the wall at his house. Apparently he was high on drugs & alcohol. And apparently Kaitlynn has been abusing substances herself, as evidenced by a recent dramatic weight loss (she's skin & bones!) This has come as quite a shock to me--"Miss Naive," I'm afraid, even at age 51!! I've never seen Kaitlynn under the influence of anything--even alcohol. She's always been very responsible--working her way thru college & all.

"But her boyfriend is quite a bit older (she told me he's 29--'turns out he's 34!)so I'm sure he's been "around this block" before, if you know what I mean. He's one of those charming business men who owns his own business, has a beautiful home, etc., etc.--preying upon an impressionable young girl--an old senario, for sure! We had the police escort us to his house last nite so she could get her car & a few necessities. A report is on file & we turned his shotgun over to the police. I'm going to call my family Dr. in a few min. & I pray he'll see her this a.m., as I want to get her whatever medication she needs to ease her withdrawal from whatever it is she's been using.

"We're hoping he'll agree to leave his house for a
few hours today so that we can go over there & get the rest of her belongings. I'm going to look into a storage unit, for now.
She plans to move to Austin to live with her eldest sister when "Tanya" returns from LA in a couple of months where she's going to school. I'm concerned about leaving town in a few days to go to Galveston for my son's surgery. I'm considering having my husband "Frank"stay here instead of going with us. We'll see how the next few days go. I'll keep y'all posted. Thanx for being there for me! Love, D."

This hits me as I am a survivor of domestic violence myself. In reading my earlier posts here, you will see I suffered through domestic abuse, 2 sexual assualts, and a rape (not counting the times my husband forced himself on me which is considered spousal rape...Luckily he has since changed and eased up in that aspect.) Anyway- even my sister took an attack by her now ex- husband. He had learned something he did not want to know and threw knives at her, and plotted hiring a hitman for her and everything. Things like this really get to me and I actively support groups that help get women in these kinds of situations the help they need to get out and find someplace safe in order to rebuild what has been destroyed.

It won't be an easy path my friend will be making alongside her daughter. But I do know that I will be keeping them all in my prayers through all this. As I learn more I will be sure to post updates along with my own posts. Which luckily things are still seeming to be doing well so far. I got a break from cooking yesterday as E took care of that by making a special chicken dinner for us. It isn't often he feels up to cokking so I was enjoying the break and took some time to get a little writing in while I could. And as for now... I have some plotting to do for my novel, my fanfiction, some poetry... and a little RP that has been heating up little by little everyday *grins*

Feeling Like Yugi - Read Old Past... New Future first to understand this one...

2006-01-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

As I stated in the title- you have to read the post below this one in order to understand this one. So please do... I will wait....

Okay- now that you have made it through that one here is something to add to it. I have been in contact with my other friend now a few different times today. Her last message to me... brought tears to my eyes. It was the sweetest thing I have heard from someone in a long time. Well- from someone who had hurt me that is. I think it is true. This time someone really has changed. She really does feel bad for what was done even though she does not remember. She brought up some old memories... But I wanted to post this... That way I could look back on it and remember. So first her apology...

"Hey sweetie, whatever we did in high
school or more like whatever i did, i
am sorry for it. I am sorry i missed
so many years with such a rare special
person as yourself. I mean that from
the bottom of my heart."

She says something I have to agree with here. She says that in high school when it comes to friends and who hangs out with whom and who is accepted into what group- it's all about the outside and nothing about the inside. I couldn't agree with that more. It is something I have always believed. That it is always about an image. Never about who we really are.

Now here is the part where I feel like Yugi Motou from Yu-Gi-Oh. See Yugi was a shorter male- a freshman in high school. Always on his own. Putting puzzles together and playing games alone. he was teased, taunted and picked on relentlessly because he was different. He was picked on by 2 guys in particular. Joey and Tristan. But one day they were the victims of bullies... And though he was scared... Yugi put himself between the bully and the 2 who had always given him a hard time. That act of courage showed what kind of loyal friend he was. He earned 2 true friends that day in the 2 who had given him the hardest time possible.

My story: I was the one picked on, outcasted by the popular crowd. Teased and taunted. But one day I earned myself a best friend. And I did so by helping her in a way that could have gotten my into some serious pain... But I didn't care. There was a popular girl named Cori in our school. She had a problem with S and decided she was going to act on it. She got all her friends together and went up against S. They were being Nasty and cruel. Our school made it where we could eat our lunches outside in a designated area as long as we behaved.

I was outside with a few others when I saw the group around S. They circled around her and started threatening her. I don't know why they did what they did. But I did know I was fed up with people thinking they could get away with doing things like that. She was scared and I saw this. I guess I hadn't realized this, but S reminded me that I was the ONLY one to stand up for her that day. I stood strong against the threats in the middle of this vicious circle ignoring the threats of getting my ass kicked along with S. I didn't care. I knew I'd just had enough.

S. tells me that no matter what she did to me in High School to remember this. That moment when we were facing that group of girls, that moment I stood beside her though I hardly knew her and risked everything for her... That is her strongest memory of me. It is what made her want to be friends with me.

She reminded me of the night she spent at my home. The countless times we sat on the bus together, the notes we passed in class. The dances... Oh RA!! The dances had been a blast. I loved to dance back then. Still do actually lol. But we always had our own group and we always had a blast.

You know... They say God has a way of working in mysterious ways. I believe that to be true. If He made her forget the things she had done and helped her to contact me, then that is also a message to me that enough time has passed. It is time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces and start over.

"Maybe its only the good
memories that we should take with us
as we grow older. So much has changed
in life. When we were in school, we
couldnt see past that realm of life. I
don't know about you but I see a whole
world out there that has nothing to do
at all with high school."

She is right. God has brought her back into my life for a reason, like He has given me Blue, AFG, Recovering Packrat, Bree, Kat, Nikki, Nate and so many others. I have found since leaving school, the friends I have kept have meant more to me than the people I knew. In this friend's case, Nate's and Bree's... We were able to look past the hard times, the bad things, and the harm done. I may not forget. But my heart is lifted with forgiveness.

So my friends, both old and new. You mean the world to me. I love you all and will never forget the impact you have had on my life. I treasure you all above so much. I will continue to hold you dearly to my heart. You will always have a true and loyal friend in me.

Old Past... New Future?

2006-01-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

Things have actually been going rather well lately which has surprised me. I have been trying to keep busy, though it has been hard. I need to restock on my iron pills... I have been anemic for a little while now- since the before the girls were born so I do have to watch things. My weight is staying steady and not moving up or down. I am not too happy with that, but I am settling for the fact that I am not gaining.

E. has been doing better as well. I don't hear many comments about my weight anymore and he has even backed off my anime obsession. Course he got rewarded for that as well... Anyway... Yeah he even bought me book 6 in the YGO Duelist series I was needing to continue that as well as book 1 in a new obsession, DN Angel. I would have gotten book 13 in Fruits Baskets, but it doesn't come out till March. I still have to wonder how long this will last... I will enjoy the peace while I can though...

E. and I took the girls out today to the Expo center out here in Spokane. There was a Gun and Knife/Flea Market going on there and we had nothing better to do. Found a lot of nice things. Only could afford a few but found a lot. With Valentines day coming up I was keeping in mind a few of my closest friends and wanting to do something special for them. I figure I have 3 gifts I want to get. I have a couple of weeks... Perhaps I will find something and hopefully be able to send everything out before Feb 14th. The one I need to have at least a week and a half in advance as it takes a week to send something from here to Australia... Luckily I already have it. Just looking for a card that says when I am wanting to say now. The other 2 I can find easily enough I am sure and they are here in the states so it would take as long to reach them.

Anyway- I found 3 CD's I wanted- Natalie Imbruglia's Left In The Middle, Simple Plan's No Pads No Helmets....Just Balls, and Chicago's hits from 1982-1989. Simple Plan is a group I have only recently realized I had enjoyed so I was glad I found this one. And I had adored the song Torn by Natalie Imbruglia. The Chicago one I had had in cassette and lost it. But I had always wanted to get those songs back... All were only $1 a piece too. But Chicago apparently was too scratched up. My CD drive won't even read that there is a CD in the player... I want to get a CD Repair kit to see if that will help it even a little. If not it is $1 I am out, but it was worth a try. I can enjoy the other 2 at least. Then E bought me a little statuette figurine of a white tiger. It is one of the things I collect. White Tigers and Snow Leopards... always have been my favorite types of all cats. Yes.. I am a cat lover. Unfortunately my husband is not so I may never have a kitten for a pet lol. And I do mean a regular house cat when I mention one for a pet lol. But I can manage lol.

I mentioned once that my sister in law and her boyfriend came over ... Her boyfriend and I hung out in high school together. I am the one who introduced them over the internet actually... Anyway- being we had a handful of the same friends in school we found ourselves talking about the past while they were here. Not exactly something he likes to do- but it was bound to happen- especially when the yearbook came out lol. One of the people that had been brought up was a girl we had been friends with for a little while... HAD being the operative word. She and I had a falling out right around our junior year and I learned to keep my distance. It hurt because she had been one of my best friends... But the things she did to me...
-_- Long story on that one... I will explain later...

He told me he had heard she had gotten married but that was all. I never dreamed that a week later I would actually hear from her. I about fell over when I got the announcement in my inbox that I had a message waiting for me at Reunion.com. I hesitated on opening it. After everything that had been done and said I was afraid as to what I would find. After a little while, I finally did open up the message and was shocked by the words. Seems some people really do change once they leave high school.

She said she felt saddened by our lost friendship in those last 2 years. Well... I admit I was shocked.. a bit angry.. and yet... calm. I had never wanted our friendship to end.. but see... I was betrayed... She said she didn't remember what had caused the rift. But I do. I never forgot. I wanted to. But I never did. See... I thought I could trust her. Count on her. And she turned on me. Turned on me in a way that I was left with no choice but to cut her loose. It hurt so much and she HAD to have known it back then. She knew my weaknesses. She knew my heart. She was my best friend after all- We went through hell and back together- almost literally... and then one day.... She turned on me and her dagger struck me from behind and sunk deep into my heart. Figuratively speaking of course... But in order to understand what she did- I have to explain something else that is rather embarrassing...

You know how when kids are little they like to pretend they are animals or something fantastical? Back in Elementary school during recess I was playing with a couple of friends and we were doing just that. I was young... and stupid... I had a love for Unicorns so I was always a unicorn when we chose our animals to play. That explains part one...

Part 2 is that my mom had been doing research into family history looking for interesting facts and learned that there was royal blood in our family... One of my great, great, great, great, great, great, etc. ancestors had been a princess in an area that used to do the royal thing but does not anymore since it adopted a new form of government. Anyway- I made the simple mistake of telling my friends... Again- this was elementary school. Not yet even in my 5 year. I think it was like grade 3 actually...

Well.. one of those friends was very competitive. There was the annual field day races and challenges that our elementary school did. Now.. back then I was a runner. I ran all the time. So races were always my strongest challenge. I was paired up against my competitive friend in a sprint. I crossed just milli-seconds before she did... a photo finish so to speak. In the end I was announced the winner of the race... She didn't like that. The next thing I know, I am hearing rumors that I was a unicorn princess. I wore a headband to keep my hair out of my face. It was said that the headband actually just covered the spot on my forehead in which on nights of the full moon my horn would appear.

Ra this is embarrassing... But that, my friends, is when an energetic, vibrant, little girl who loved school and had a lot of friends suddenly found herself dressing in nothing but black, hating school and had only one friend... Which wasn't the best in the world... I went through 2 years of pure hell and did it all alone. Then in grade 8, I actually opened up a little, trying to move forward- which was hard because I was still the "Unicorn Princess" to the popular crowd. It hurt a lot of my chances at friendship. I was a joke. So I searched for friendship outside of school which led to some of the experiences I wrote about in past blog posts.

In 8th grade though I met a girl. The one I mention previously who just contacted me today. She and I rode the bus together. She was fun, energetic, exciting... She was also in a world of trouble. She had a boyfriend who ... wasn't... what we would consider normal... He liked to play with people's minds... He made her do things... That were scary to see her do- but those are tales for another time should I feel up to telling... *thinks* If I haven't already told them...

Anyway- she introduced me to my first boyfriend... Who... was not my best match... It was more of he was a friend of her boyfriend's and thought it would be better if I had one too. *shrugs* I went along with it. he was okay. My first kiss... Again not the best- a quick peck. Nothing to brag about. From that year though S. and I hung out all the time in school. There were so many fun times. I remember she hated the Salt N Pepa song Whatta Man because her name was mentioned in it lol. She gave me her home made copy of the Very Necessary CD on cassette. Birthday Parties... late night phone calls... So many memories...

Our 9th grade year we had the same 1st hour class. Science with Mr. Bone. I loved that class. We sat in the back with the guy who was here for New Years. Yup- the one with my sister in law lol. Somehow in all her play- he and I became a couple. It was nice, and fun. A few things different from what I had experienced outside the school and away from both of them. He didn't know about the violent man in the time between my first boyfriend and him. I never told. I was good at hiding then... Though N could always tell when I was lying. He said my hand would loosen in his grip when I was. I had never noticed that before. Even when I tried to stop myself, I was always caught. Anway this post is about her not him... And we remained friends till our 11 th year. Then something went wrong. The first part of the year was okay... but the last part...

One of her friends didn't like me... and made sure I knew it. Then all of a sudden my friend started to join her in that teasing and taunting... They had even gone out and bought these long suckers that they would put to their forehead whenever I walked by them and started laughing and saying things like "Look at me, I'm a Unicorn Princess!" That sucker thing was the last straw. I would have forgiven and been friends still had she not done that. That sucker was her dagger. She KNEW that would hurt me. She had heard the rumors. She knew I did not find them funny. At least I thought she knew. So.. I pulled the dagger out and cut her name off the short list of friends I had that year.

I always said that it was better to have a couple friends I could count on instead of 100's of friends I couldn't. I realized then that she wasn't being a friend to me. I was tired of crying over her betrayal. I wanted it done. She had no idea I had attempted to take my life because of problems at home, my sexual assualt, my rape, and the taunts at school. At 16 I made my first attempt. It had all been too much. But God kept me alive for some reason... at 17 my best friend stabbed me in the back. I fought to keep the darkness from taking me and dragging me down again. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to finish school and get away. So I cut her free and learned then not to trust anyone. 12th year was ... not easy. But I only suffered one betrayal that year and by summer it was cleared up and forgiven.

Here it is, going on 7 years later and she contacts me. She remembers the good times and wishes she could forget the bad. She doesn't remember what had caused the rift. Well... here it is... That was the reason. Betrayal runs deep. I had envied her. She always had some guy wanting her. I had at one point wanted to be like her... She tells me now that I was always kind and the sweetest person she had ever known.

Then how could she have betrayed me like that? I never could figure out why. And it is something I will probably never know. It is time to put the past in the past. But that doesn't mean I can't be cautious. I treat her as I do any new person I meet. With caution. Tentative trust. It is starting over. I can't hold what happened against her now after all this time. It took a lot for her to contact me after all. And I had not been so kind when N and I broke up. I had to swallow my fear and contact him first when I found him. The first thing I did was apologize. And he forgave me. It is time that I did the same. So... My friend: The past is gone. Time for a new start.

A Visit; A Message

2006-01-04T06:22:00.000-08:00

Fair warning- this has been posted in my MSN Space as well- so yes... it is a repeat post. Sorry. My head isn't working well enough with me to create something new for this one right now...

Bringing in the New year had been pretty fun. My sister in law and her boyfriend were here. We celebrated the girls' birthdays, opened some Christmas gifts trhat had not been sent with the others, played Euchre for a few hours, remembered old times, and just had fun. This is probably the first year that I did't watch the ball drop on TV. We were too busy listening to music and playing cards lol. Basically saying, it was a pretty good weekened.

The New Year has been going well so far.... I say so far because I don't entirely know what is happening...

I got an odd email this morning. One I am not sure how to take. I thought things were seeming to be too good to be okay. I wish I had opened my eyes more to the problem lying below the surface. I was told that what might happen isn't what I'm thinking..... I am hoping that is true and everything is okay. All I will say is you know who you are.

You are in my heart and I will be thinking of you. Remember the "ring of friendship" we all wear. Remember the pendant that you hold so dear. Hold them and you will be holding me. Just as I hold on on to one of the gifts you gave me in a way of holding you. I am with you my friend. I am always with you. Don't give up. Try to be strong. I know it's hard but you have to try.

I miss you. I keep kicking myself for oversleeping and not being here. I kept having this odd feeling that I was needed. I should have been here. I am sorry if I let you down. I do hope you remember me. And I do hope that it's not too late. I am trying not to think the worst.... but it sounded so... final. Like a last goodbye. *shakes head no* I don't want it to be a last goodbye. Please let me know when we are able to talk again. I will be here, I promise.

I am just sorry I wasn't here sooner.

Happy New Year!!

2005-12-31T14:59:00.000-08:00

Well.. as the post says. Happy New Year... well almost lol

It is only 3:02 pm right now actually but I was going to be busy so I thought I would post this now while I had a small break.

My Sister in law and her boyfriend are on their way as we speak. Not far away either. It will be nice to see them both. Her boyfriend is an old friend of mine from high school so this will be a reunion of sorts in 2 ways lol. She wants to make dinner tonight so I get a small break. lol I won't complain ^_^. She is also bringing some more Christmas gifts that didn't get sent out before Christmas came. Not to mention we will be celebrating both daughters' birthdays tonight as well.

I am looking forward to a nice night. Never really had anyone over for New Years before... Holidays were mostly spent with my family or his... when E joined the Air Force we lost a few traditions. But either way. It is something to look forward to. The house is clean, bathrooms are ready and all we have to do is get teh spare bed set up in one of the other bedrooms so they have a place to sleep.

Since we of course will most likely be up to watch the ball drop in New York City's Time Square, I will probably just stay up while everyone else goes to bed. My alarm would be waking me up in like 2 hours anyway so there isn't really a sense to it. Oh well. Maybe if my online sisters are on we can RP for a little while... Major cliffhanger this morning any way lol.

Well I am off to do one last spot check and make sure everything is ready. Once again...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

Just wanting to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

My mom got a promissary ring for Christmas and we are all very excited for her. This kind of happiness has been a long time coming.

I am attempting to do a turkey on my own this time as E had to work today. The girls are enjoying all their gifts.

And I wanted to share this music video with you all.

Adam Sandler's 12 Pains of Christmas done with clips from Fruits Baskets, Teen Titans, and Inuyasha. It is one of my favorites lol.

Anyway- nothing else to really post about this time. Just wishing everyone

And I hope you all have a great New Year as well! ^_^

Odd things...

2005-12-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

....Seem to happen everyday. I never know just what to expect so I adopted the saying "Expect the unexpected". The problem is I never seen to be able to. Like last night for example. Those reading this know that life has been ... well nothing short of Hell over here. I have tried everything to work on it and it never seems to do any good. E seems to think that by making snide comments he is getting a rib in me to through a guilty feeling my way. He never realized that I could bite back just as hard.

See... We were on our way home from picking up a turkey for Christmas dinner. Somehow we got on the sex subject again. And I don't remember what I said but he said "Might as well I haven't had any in a month in 1/2 anyway." I turned to him and told him it was his own fault. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He honestly believed he hadn't done anything wrong. He actually asked me how it was his fault. So I explained- very calmly I might add- that all his constant nitpicking was just one factor. Then there was the constant "teasing" I had to endure from him because of my interests.

He told me he stopped for 2 and 1/2 weeks and tried to cuddle with me on the couch and things like that and it still didn't get him anywhere, so he went back to being mean and nasty- in fact worse because he had 2 weeks to make up for... -_- I told him I backed off the computer for 2 weeks too and I jump on 1 day.. ONE FREAKING DAY and he tells me if he came home the next day he would rip the modem off and send it to the company. I still have backed off though instead of going back to the way I was. I am hardly on at all during the day anymore. My friends miss me... and I miss them- Anyway...

So I then had to explain that because of all the hurt and resentment as a result of his words, it was basically like we had to start over. There was too much damage for us to just climb into bed together and pretend nothing ever happened. He may be able to do that- but I can't. The affection needed needs to come a little more often than just once in a blue moon. And it helps if nothing is expected of me right away. Sometimes there is more satisfaction in just being held than anything. But that is a little known fact to men. They don't seem to realize that.

I have to admit... finally saying what has been written here for so long was nice. Now to see what happens as a result. I know what he wants- but right now he has to earn my trust again. I don't just sleep with strangers, that isn't my style and he has become a stranger to me. So I have to get to know him all over again. Just as he should be taking this time to do the same. I won't sugar coat this and make it sound like everything it just fine and dadny- because it is FAR from fine. But it is a start. We just have to see where it goes from here....

Moving on...

2005-12-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I am trying to once again get passed everything. I know what I have to do just not sure how to go about doing it. I also know I am not the only one needing to change. I am not the only one with problems that need to be addresses and worked on. It would not be very fair of him to think that was true. I won't change who I am for him. A lot of the way I am is because of how I have been treated. And the rest... is just me giving up... But I can't do that. I can hold out if I have to, but I won't give up.

I don't know where this sudden burst of inner strength came from. But I can take a wild guess. I have the best group of friends I could ever hope for. I tried to push everyone away and they instead grabbed me and pulled me harder toward them. I needed that I guess. I was slipping I admit, I won't go as far down the path as I have in the past, but that doesn't meant he thought isn't tempting. Instead they gave me a reason to keep trying. Them and my daughters that is. I really need to thank them and they know who they are. I have a feeling I would be hunted down if I did try to put distnace between them and me lol. I won't do that though. I value them too much.

I do wish to apologize to those I worried. I never intended to. But I am grateful to you all for your friendship and love. It means the world to me. YOU mean the world to me... I love that at least some people in my life love me for who I am and not wanting to change me ...
Anyway...

One day he can hopefully accept all of me as well- but for now I am just going to get through things as they come. We are at least on speaking terms again. It isn't frozen in the house. It is still cold- but at least we speak. I will hold on to hope that one day things will get better... One Day.... One Sweet Day...

It Doesn't Matter....

2005-12-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

This song... Came from the Buffy the Vampire TV soundtrack...

Ra does it fit right now...

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need.
It doesn't matter if I cry,
It don't matter if I bleed.
You've been a road
Don't know where it goes
Or where it leads.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need.
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay.
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind
You fly away.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
It don't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Fallin' on this face you loved
for years...

I'd give anytthing to give up right now, but I can't. That is not who I am. Still, this pain... The constant disappointment. It is as if I can't do anything right even when I try to. It is getting pretty pathetic. I try to do things for him and he turns around and snaps at me. He wants more out of me and because of the pain, I am unable to give it. I know where this road is going to lead if things don't change... Part of me is expecting it. I mean that is what his father did after all. Like Father like son, right?

The unattainable dream. Happiness is dead. Love has flown. Dreams are shattered. Never to be realized. There is no hope left. I live for our daughters. I am strong for them...

But inside...

I am dead....

Love don't live here anymore.....

2005-12-22T02:04:00.000-08:00

No.. It really doesn't. There are no "I love you's" except to the girls. Things done are just never appreciated. We fight more than anything. I tire of him teasing me about the things I enjoy. I just wish he would back off. Sometimes I just wish he would stay gone all day... Maybe then I wouldn't be so stressed. When I try to reach for him, I feel nothing but the cold. There is no longer any warmth between us. It is gone. I realized this last night. He slept on the pull out bed last night. Mad at me because even though I did laundry all day yesterday it never got finished and that included a jacket he wanted to wear hunting today...

I got a note from him this morning on the keyboard of the computer after I started the laundry again. 1 am and I am up working instead of relaxing...

"Thank you for washing my jacket!! Ha Ha Ha.
Don't worry about it now. It's too late.

I guess if I want something done, I'm going to have to do it myself.

And you wonder why I get pissed off!!!"

And he wonders why I never want to do things for him anymore. All he does is complain. Nothing is ever good enough. He complains, he picks on me, he insults me, and degrades me, not supportive of the dreams I have...
So the question becomes... "Why am I still here?"

Honestly, it is because of my vow. And deep down I do still love him. That is why his words hurt so deeply. Because there used to be a side of him that cared and a part of me clings to the hope that one day it will return. Though it may take forever and a day to see it again... I, one day, will have to come to terms with the realization that it is gone. I will never know the kind of love I dreamed of, want, need. The kind of love I used to have. I will never be held tenderly. Never again taste the lips of someone who REALLY wants me for me. No one wants this....*motions to self*. There is no way someone could want what I am.

I was a fool to think I could ever truly find happiness.

I was a fool to think I deserved it...

No... I am just a fool...

Longing part 2...

2005-12-21T03:13:00.000-08:00

My arms reach for you, but you aren't there...

How have you grown so cold...?

*looks at picture* Though why at this very moment, I admit I am not sure... My head and my heart are confused... But I suppose every marriage goes through this eventually... I think...

I hope....

I guess I need to clarify... see the first 2 lines were in yesterday's post...

Anyone who knows me... well they know what kind of person I am. A romantic, a dreamer I guess... I always wondered why men seem to NEED sex while.. at least most... women could easily go without. I am just happy being held. Feeling the emotion and affection. Most times I don't WANT to have sex or even cosider it... which is why more often times than not he doesn't get it... I try to tell him that the more affection I receive the more willing I am for more... But it never fails. He just doesn't understand. I held him yesterday. but he didn't hold me in return. He just stood there- still as a statue, unmoving. Just kept asking me what I wanted, or what was wrong...

I just wanted to be held...

Affection... I crave it. It is what I need. Without it... I am but an empty shell always reaching for something just out of reach... To be caressed so softly, fingers through my hair, A light kiss that just says "I love you, I want you... I need you..." Is that really so much to ask? Not gifts, not harsh grabbing and fondling.. A light touch of a hand to my cheek, a loving look... Why is it so hard for someone to realize that? Even when he is told what would make me respond so much better to him- he can't. He only has one thought, on drive... and my needs are forgotten about...

Then he wonders why I never want to... *sigh*

I have never been real open about it- but have secretly been an anime fan long before I finally came out about it. Starting with Ronin Warriors (a.k.a. Samuri Troopers) and Sailor Moon. Then it went to Yu-Gi-Oh, to InuYasha, to Full Metal Alchemist, and now to Fruits Baskets and DN Angel... The picture to this paragraph happens to be of Kyo, Tohru, adn Yuki of Fruits Baskets... There are days I would give anything to be in her position... and yet hate to be at the same time... She has the attention of both guys, one being a hot head and the other more mellow and reserved. She has been ablet o get them to open their hearts. They are so protective, tender and gentle to her... well Kyo is most of the time- though it may come with some harsh words (Not the type to be real open in front of others about the truth of his feelings... things are always different when they are alone), anyway... They have a way of treating her that would make any girl feel... special. Appreciated... cared about.. adn loved, without even having to hug her... (can't as when tehy do they turn into animals of the Chinese zodiac so... yeah...). She has their heart... But one day she will have to make a choice...

One I would not want to make...

Still to have that kind of love around her... she is lucky. For an anime character...
Can you believe it...? Envious of a character... But she isn't the only one...
I envy my heroine in my novel... to a point anyway... I yearn to trade spots with at least one or 2 of my RPG characters... Just to feel the love and affection they have. Why can't he understand that? Why do men have to be so freaking blind?!

Dense foolish creatures they are... And they don't even care that they hurt those who love them...

So many times I have been told to leave him... and rightfully I should... But I admit I fear to. I guess you can say I am willing to sacrifice my happiness in order for the girls to know their father. He does treat them so well. he is VERY good to them... it is just me. Since the weight gain, my time on the computer, and my ... well.. obsession for anime and manga... all he does is tease me for that. 25 and still obsessing over a cartoon... Or.. er... several of them. The stupid thing about it is that I know I am not alone. I know there are people older than me who are even more obssessed than I am. There are people out there who actually dress up as characters and attend conventions that are held. These are NOT just kids either. A LOT of them are adults. But he won't get off my back about it. He just teases me. That on top of the lack of affection has made me withdrawl from him in a bad way...

But I guess once again... I am only dreaming of something that can never be... My path is chosen...

Perhaps I am too loyal for my own good...

(( The following words are lyrics from Lady Down On Love- Alabama))

She never thought that love, could ever end so soon...

Now she's a lady, down on love, she needs somebody, to gently pick her up. She's got her freedom, but she'd rather be bound, to a man who would love her, and never let her down.

Longing...

2005-12-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

My arms reach for you, but you aren't there...

How have you grown so cold...?

I will post more later- just don't have the time now...

Odd- those words will be in a poem later...

Or a short story...

*shrugs*

I don't know which yet...

Music.... let it play...

2005-12-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't much to say today so I thought I would share some music videos with you instead... some of the ones I have found and liked on youtubes.com...

Breaking The Habit By Evanescence
clips from Fruits Baskets

To Know My Enemy
Clips from Fruits Baskets

Untitled by Simple Plan
clips from Fruits Baskets

Concrete Kisa
song Concrete Angel by Martina McBride

Taking Over Me- Evanesence
Clips from Fruits Baskets, InuYasha, Chobits, Kare, Kano, Fushigi, Yuugi

Hope you enjoyed these.. hopefully I will get around to an update a little later...

Hmm...

2005-12-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

A quick thought.... Maybe a longer post later...

But really... is it a bad thing when a friend's Yami is more ... appealing... then a husband?

Yes... more to come on this thought later in an edit... this is all I have for right now...

On second thought.. I am going to leave it at that tonight... Too much to explain... not to mention scary... -_-

Thoughts on Overdrive...

2005-12-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have no real idea where to begin with this post...
So many things that I have going on in my head.
I am really so very confused.

For starters...I feel I have lost my Christmas Spirit. I am always the one to decorate for the holidays. I always have garland and mistletoe and other Christmas related decore up all over the house. But not this year. I have the tree up and decorated. I hung 3 wreaths, and set up the 3 figures I had in a nativity scene on the entertainment center. Set up the stockings... but that was it. I have so many other things I could be putting up and I just don't have the heart to. I don't even understand why, but a part of me is saying "why bother? It is all going to get torn down and destroyed anyway- no one is going to enjoy it anyway, so why freaking bother?" Okay- so I am being cynical.... but it is what is going on in my head.

I ... I realized the other day that a couple of my good friends have really pulled back... Then I realized something more troubling- I have as well... I don't understand why, but I don't interact as I used to. I don't even really go to my own message forum anymore- I just don't have the heart to. I go to check on the contests and answer questions... and lately there have been a TON of questions... -_- . None I can really answer though... Not my place to answer them. Not getting into that though.. Anyway- to get back on track here...

Yes- there are several times throughout the day where I just don't want to be on the computer anymore. But I don't want to do anything either. It seems I only come online when certain people are on. They know who they are too... Several times this week I have been pulled into group chats and I just sat and stared at the screen- uninterested, uncaring... I never responded to anything, they thought I was away... My auto message popped up a couple of times but that was it.

Then there are friends I seem to have cut off completely... I feel bad for it- and yet I don't at the same time- not that it makes any sense. I don't understand it so how can I expect others to understand. I had a friend say she even hated her closest friends... I wouldn't say it has gone that far. I still value them. I stick around even after being pushed away... I just give them time. But I honestly had no idea this friend felt that way. And I still have no idea how to react. I mean.. how can you hate someone who has done nothing but care about you? I am still going to be there as a friend. And maybe one day the hatred felt will go away... I hope...

I suppose I can kind of see it. Things aren't exactly easy. People she was supposed to be able to trust and count on really aren't the best in the world...She is hurt more often than helped... It can be almost to a point where kindness in someone is almost grounds to be suspicious and cautious. Never knowing when they will turn on you... I can talk until I am blue in the face with words of "I will be there, you can count on me, I am here for you..." One friend actually told me she didn't want pity or sympathy.. just truth. Like she didn't believe me... That stung. I backed off and away after that. I still talk to her, but I did put distance in between. I guess that is what I get for trying to be a friend...

My role play days have really halted. There is only one that I am active in and I enjoy it. I feel bad for a couple of characters, but I do enjoy the stories that come out. There is humor mixed with drama and sometimes even some horror thrown in for good measure... I am so connected to the characters- it is almost as if they are real... in my mind- maybe they are... If I am quiet enough I think I can actually hear them... Have I completely lost my mind? Maybe. Do I care? .... *shrug* Not really. Oddly it is the only thing I feel keeping me sane - which considering the story line, I really don't think that says alot...

Sanura is.. well... out of her mind more often than not. It is not understood why she loves the man she says she does. He is cold, and heartless, cruel and .. well.. dark... All they did in the beginning was fight. Granted it was her sister, Zahara, who actually tried to kill him.... *whistles innocently* Somehow in all that, Sanura found it in her heart to love the guy. Even WANT to have a family with him. She claims he is different when they are alone... That he is soft, sweet and tender, very loving to her... I don't know- I would prefer someone who wasn't quite so cold... at this point there are more times than not that RIJ reminds me of my husband... which makes me wonder why .. never mind- I know why I married him almost 4 years ago... Granted times have changed things now- but I knew why then...

There are so many ways Sanura is a lot like me. Always wanting something just out of her reach... clinging to what little piece of light is offered to her. Perhaps that is why she listens to Ori so much... he has a way of bringing her that hope and making her think... Though how is still a mystery to me- it gets confusing lol. But Sanura is loving even when she shouldn't be. She reacts without thinking in heated moments- most of the time saying things she doesn't mean or doing things she knows she shouldn't do but not caring... I guess you can say Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde... But it is mostly in times of grief that she flips out... and when her family is threatened...

Then Zahara... she has what I always wanted. Well.. had... everyone thought there's was the perfect relationship... but trouble is slowly coming to light. She is stuck caring for the twins all day long without a break while her husband sits in front of the TV. Those 2 were the couple that made people sick... Always so loving and cuddling... Again... what I had once... but not anymore.

There is a character that is supposed to resemble me... but I realized the other day that she really doesn't. She has some aspects that are similar... But she is more what I WISH I could be. She has more confidence and is MUCH more sure of herself. She also... well... oddly fell for someone who is starting out very similar to the others... So I am waiting for a change again.

All my characters seem to suffer in some form. Just like RIJ- dealing with the past he cannot let go of. He suffers as well... I am expecting each pairing to fail. Like my own life- I keep waiting as the thoughts of "Where is my happy ending?" keep filtering through my mind for not only me, but for all 3 of my characters... It is always just out of reach- once they get it, something happens and it flies away again... It is what makes teh RP so interesting I guess... Watching as each deals with the changes to each situation so differently... Like now- Sanura managed to somehow be reunited with RIJ and their son... They seem happy again... but that "Where is my happy ending?" keeps bouncing around. It won't last... nothing ever does..

Wow.. this is a bitter post- I never realized until now just how much the lives of these characters seem to mirror my own in thought and action. The difference is that Sanura and Zahara have a tight family. They all practically live int he same mansion like house so they see each other every day. They laugh and joke around- they suffer together... but one more thing that is similar to my life... Sanura was taken from her family. It will hit her eventually what she gave up... Right now she is just too happy and content being reunited wiht the 2 people she thought were dead... She has no idea her family grieves for her as they think she is dead as well... If RIJ ever tries to test her love for him again I know DARN well the lines "I gave up EVERYTHING for you,my home, my family, my life, everything. So don't you DARE think I don't love you," are going to come up... And you know what... she is right. Just as I was when I said it to my own husband... I gave up everythingfor HIS dreams and he tests me at least once a week...

This brings me to my next thought...
Why do guys think a woman wants to be groped and grabbed and fondled all the time? Key piece of advice guys... WE DON'T!! If you want us to be more..."attentive," I will say, don't get all grabby... curl up with us, nuzzle our necks, romance us, whisper sweet nothings in our ears, you know... sweet romantic, ooey, gooey stuff... Unless the woman you are with likes it when you do the other crap... I don't. Neither do the characters in the RPG either - another thing in common.

My husband.. I know hasn't been getting what he wants AS OFTEN.... but come on- I don't find being groped and grabbed a turn on and he KNOWS this... I am a romantic at heart- always have been always will be. A gentle, tender touch is all that it takes. He tried it last night... I finally grabbed his hand and just wrapped it around me. I told him that cuddling actually works and he said "not for me..." -_-" It would if he did it more often... I guess the fact that we have basically had to start over hasn't yet sunk in. He just expects it to be like it used to be. Sorry- but trust has been hurt and I need to start over. I can't undo what was done, and I can't pretend it never happened...

I know I am not looking forward to this Christmas Party. Like I said- I am just not in the Christmas Spirit. My husband says we are going for the free meal... That is about all it is... I would rather be home- either in bed or online with CM, AFG, Blue, and Trin... In all honesty- I think I know what is wrong with me... If it gets too bad I may have to see a doctor for it- just to get help through the holidays... Being away from friends and family during a time when being with them means the most to me... Being in a situation that could be better... It is hard for me to handle.

Yes, I am pretty certain my depression kicked back into play. I hadn't had to deal with it in so long I thought maybe, just maybe I caught a break... Guess I was wrong. Several factors led to this though... Missing friends and family- friends pulling away, friends suddenly not trusting me; I can feel the distance. I don't need to be told. It really isn't that hard to know when they go from talking to me about everything to suddenly hiding and saying nothing at all or avoiding things all together. Several friends have done it lately- Perhaps that is why I have begun to do the same thing. I don't want to though. Not having the money to give the girls the kind of Christmas they deserve... That bothers me as well... It all has added up.

This has gone on long enough and I have probably just bored anyone who is reading this... So I will let it go for now... I have other things to get done before tonight...

Too Many Thoughts...

2005-12-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish things could be wrapped into nice little already worded bundles so I could just post it somewhere and have everything I feel said...

This is obviously not one of those moments. There are too many thoughts running through my head.

Things at home are doing well. No fighting- we are both making efforts at least... It is a start.

But that doesn't mean that I am okay. How can you get through to somone who doesn't know if they want you to get through to them or not?

I know I can only do so much. I have always been there for my friends and they have almost ALWAYS come to me... but I still feel like I failed one. I feel there was something more I should have done to make her feel more.. I don't know... special? loved? All around cared for? Not sure where to go on that one. I love her like a sister, a best friend. Sometimes it is almost a motherly protective feeling I get when it comes to her. I want to make her see she is going to make it and that she isn't alone... But she ... I don't know... She makes herself to be alone. She says she doesn't want to yet at the same time she does.

I know it sounds confusing, but I felt the same way back in school. Especially when my friend died. I wanted the comfort that my friends offered me, but I wanted to isolate myself from everyone. When things went bad at home, as much as I wanted to reach out to others and even attempted to- I made myself back off. More than half the time- they did not even know that there was something wrong. I wore a mask. No one had a tendency to even know that I was dying inside, crying inside, burning inside....

Would I have admitted to it if anyone had cornered me about the feelings I was dealing with? *shrugs* Eh... probably not. That just wasn't that kind of person I was. I wanted others to talk to.. but I felt like I really couldn't trust anyone. And the close friends I DID have... well - they know who they are... I forced them back.... detached myself from them...

Much like I realize I have done once again. Wiitago... I am sorry. I never intended to make it seem as though I have pushed you away again. I do hope you understand my reasoning at the time. I am still around though and can typically be found online at odd times of the day ... and night... My Yahoo messenger is on all the time... just invisible sorry.. I am not avoiding you honestly. I am just once again feeling like I have to deal with things on my own. I don't like a lot of thoughts added to my head when there are already tons there lol. Though I admit I could probably make better decisions if I had those extra thoughts.... I don't know- guess I was running away again. Another bad habit of mine.

To my other friend... and she knows who she is... I am still here. I would love it if you talked to me instead of trying to handle this on your own... or with the 2 dark sides that have been born out of this... I may not be where you are at- but that does not mean I can't help. I am still a friend. Always a friend. Nothing you tell me could make me turn my back on you. Believe me. Don't tell me you don't want to add to what I deal with. I would rather you talk to me than keep it hidden once again. The chance of the two dark sides exploding is higher if you don't seek out some kind of help from someone who actually cares. Please don't shut me out completely. I have learned from experience it only makes things worse. I understand wanting to withdraw from everyone... But that doesn't stop your true friends from loving, caring, and worrying about you. Please know this...

I guess that is all I really have to say on all this right now... At least my head seems a little emptier anyway...
I have noticed my posts here seem to be getting progressively longer and longer. Not sure if that is a good thing or not... *shrugs* I only hope that at least some of my words sink in to the friends they are aimed for. I love them dearly and I don't want to see or hear of anything bad happening to them. I have both been there and done that.

With things as shaky as they are I can't lose anyone close to me right now. I need you all with me in my life, my heart. I don't know .. helping each other I guess... Now and Always- the friendship circle that my friends and I joke about.... We are in each other's lives in some way... We have to remember that we are always here for each other...

Seemingly Better...

2005-12-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

Things have not been quite as tense around here. I know I have made some changes. He is starting to see the change but he still kind of acts like it isn't enough. Then again last night really wasn't the night to discuss that as he was drugged out of his mind from having all 4 wisdom teeth pulled.

My computer time is limited during the day. I am not on as much as I used to which means there are things that just don't get done like I used to be able to. But it is a sacrifice I make to try to keep peace here. I still get out and try to walk though since the snow fall I admittedly have not been looking to walking in the snow. We are discussing maybe acquiring one of those Bowflew machines. I am more wanting one of those Gazelles. I would give anything for one of those, but I guess I can settle for anything right now as long as it helps me continue to improve where I need to improve...

See? I'm trying to at least think better which for me is an accomplishment on its own. And at least it is a start. I monitor what I eat and how much. Make sure I get 3 meals a day and maybe a light snack about an hour before bed.. I drink more water and Crystal Light Pink Lemonade instead of p...soda. I am trying to break that habit too. Being raised in Michigan it has always been pop to me. Now it's soda everywhere I go. Anyway to get back on track...

Now it is just money that we fight over. But that is a typical fight in marriages. We just have to budget our money a little better and learn to communicate more. That is where we went wrong- the break down of communication.

But yes- once again things seemed to have passed. But I know it is only a matter of time before something is stirred up again. It never fails. So I will wait and watch. For now I am a little tired so I must leave the computer and rest for a bit. My poor mind has been hit hard for creativity purposes and now it is saying I quit on me lol. I think I will take the next couple of days and put all my writing aside just to take a small break. RPG's are still going to be my escape for a bit. I am not giving that up just when the plot took an interesting twist lol.

Feeling Like I Let Someone Down...

2005-11-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

I hate that things have been the way that they have. I was someone others could count on if they needed someone to talk to. Either to confide in or look to for a laugh, or at the very least a smile. But because of all the trouble my husband has put me through lately, I have a few friends who no longer seem to feel they can come to me, no matter how many times I tell them it is okay.

I wish I could get them to see that they can still talk to me. That things aren't different because my husband has decided to be a dick about things... My friends are everything to me, second only to my family. And when things are going wrong within the family- especially when it is just the same things over and over again...- I need my friends to talk to. I need them to talk to me...

Or maybe that is my problem. I am needy. I want to feel useful, wanted, needed, appreciated. I want to feel what I have never been able to really feel in a long time. Being there for my friends when they needed me has helped to ease that problem. I feel useful and it is almost as if I can reach out and hold them sometimes. But they pull away from me now. I feel like because of him, I have let them down. They they feel they can no longer turn to me. Then who do they turn to? Who will actaully care enough to listen to them?

maybe I am wrong... Maybe I have been the one pushing them away... That would make My husband happy anyway... The fewer friends I have online the less often he feels I would be on it. Though I have been better the past week. I am not on when he comes home from work- I stay off till the girls go for their nap then am only one it for maybe an hour. Then I am off unitl he leaves for work, or later into the evening so I am not online as often at all. He hasn't said anything about it either. I am guessing it is a good thing. I just wish he would tell me...

Please, friends, if I have done something wrong, let me know. Tell me so I can stop what I have done. This was my fault from the beginning. all of it. I feel pushed away, pulled away, torn in the middle... so many things I feel. I don't want my friends to feel abandoned because of him. I am still here. I am always here- I am going no where. Please turn to me, talk to me, find me. Let me be the torch that lights up your darkness. please don't let him distance us.

*sigh*

Does this really matter in the end...? My plea will go unheard by many anyway... *bows head* Just know I am still here if you ever change your mind and seek out someone wh actually cares, to talk to...

Funny Little Thought....

2005-11-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

Obsession.....

When can you tell if obsession has gone too far?

*evil grin*

My husband has always known (and made fun of) my obsession for YGO -namely Atem... But he said something today that floored me.. as in the whole "can't get up off the floor 'cause I'm laughing too hard to stand" kind of thing...
He told me that he is beginning to think he has to dress up as Atem in order to get any....

*shifty eyes and smirk*

*thinks*

Nah.... not even close to a match HEEE!!!! *dies laughing*

A New Day..

2005-11-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

This post has been cross posted elsewhere- so sorry if you think you are seeing a repeat...

Well... The day has started... And it hasn't been nice.
I always get up at 2 am so that I can be ready for the day when the girls wake up. Today is no exception. My husbnad ORDERS me to go back to bed. I told him no... I swear if he decides he is going to get a little frisky today he will be in for a shock. See he has a habit of pretending everything is all right. He likes to tell everyone that everything is all right. But he is sadly mistaken. I don't forget things that easily. He has attempted to be a father to me long enough. I am 25 years old- I think I can make my own decisions. As it is he has practically made it impossbile for me to interact with anyone who I could always turn to for guidance and support. My Scott AFB friends, my Support group friends, my online family... I have VERY limited time with them now and I am always so jumpy about "getting caught". I am a child again.. or in a prison. So the next time he tries to grab at me I will simply tell him that a "father" can't grab his children that way. It isn't right. And I will try to walk away. I say try because I know he isn't going to take it very well... But he needs to see that he needs to back off. Things will only get worse if he doesn't.

In other news I was looking at our phone bill this morning, finally looking into the break down of calls to see the cost. Now.. we have unlimited long distance in which we pay monthly and not by the minute. However we don't have covereage for international calls. I called Australia 3 times to check on a friend. I expected a huge bill but found it only cost me $1.16 a minte. All 3 calls only cost me $8.02! I was surprised it was so low, but am glad. At least now I know too if I ever have to call there again- how long I can talk without going broke lol. Which if he takes the internet away- I may just have to make some calls to keep in touch. The only thing that makes it hard are the time zones, but I don't care. They don't stop me from being in touch with people who ACTUALLY care about me...

Yes I am bitter. the man that I thought loved me has decided it is more fun to control me. He says he wants me to get out and meet people... yet he keeps me away at the same time... This is not a marriage... not anymore. It has become my prison...

As for word on my mom... We still haven't heard anything. But I will update when I do.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2005-11-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

First I wish to credit and thank my friend Trin (moonlight_bay13) for the beautiful thanksgiving banner! ^_^

I am using this post for 2 reasons. First to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving!!! I am hoping everyone has a great day. Mine is boring... Eric is watching what he wants to on TV and is mad becaue I am updating a blog instead of out trying not to fall asleep on the couch. Dinner is almost ready though- so that will be nice.

Now for the other news. Though I do wish it was better...

I heard from my mom today. She had been having pelvic pain. She thought it was just a urinary tract infection... the doctor said no... She found a lump on one of my mom's ovaries they don't know what it is yet- they didn't even need a scan- it was large enough to felt during the physical examination. She goes in on Friday to see about getting help from medicaid to get it removed. They are hoping it isn't cancerous... We are all praying it isn't. But we don't know for sure yet. So I will be keeping you all updated...

This part has been cross posted else where so you may have seen it...

edit: Unhappy Thanksgiving
I am hiding the fact that I am near the computer right now...
I was on it briefly earlier today to update my blogs... and he blew up at me. Said I always gave him such a hard time about hunting all the time he didin't see why he couldn't get on me about being on the computer all the time now. I told him to wake up. I haven't gotten on him about hunting in years... He is bringing up the past when normally he is the one wanting to let it go.
I actually hate him right now. I could care less if I ever share the same bed with him ever again.

I am sick of this- I know others who are online more than me and their husband's or boyfriend's don't get at them like this... He won't be near me for a while.He needs to get his head out of his ass and let me be. I don't stop him from what he likes to do. He can leave me to the things I like to do. I changed my routine... I do more than I used to, but if I happen to even LOOK at the computer at any time during the day he goes insane. I can't take it anymore! He was mad because I wasn't out watching Survivor with him all day...I'm sorry; one or 2 epps maybe but not all day.. and it was hunting shows before that

But guess what? I NEVER once said a word to him complaining about it just let him watch them...Course I also fell asleep which he blames on the fact that I have such strange hours just so I can be online...I don't get it.. I am about ready to give up. I AM NOT A FUCKING CHILD!!! So, why am I living like one!? I hate that he wants to control me- that he won't let me be.... This isn't right. I gave up EVERYTHING for HIS dreams...And now he wants me to give up more...

I ...

I don't have anything more to give... But he refuses to see that...Lord knows how hard I have tried to get him to see it...

Needless to say I was only thankful for my girls and my friends this Thanksgiving. And dinner... was very very VERY silent...
I have to go now again before he catches me online... This is stupid and no way for me to live. He is NOT my father and I don't want him BEING my father. He can live his life and I can live mine- we come together when we have to, need to. But we would be much happier if we were each allowed to do our own thing. I let him...

It is time for him to let me...

Thinking back...

2005-11-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

I realize now how my last post came across... Believe me when I say I am not suicidal.. at least not anymore. My girls are my world and I would not want to take their mother away from them. The razor part.. I had no intention of putting it anywhere to which much damage could be done. It was merely an attempt to find some kind of outlet for the pain and anger I was holding in. The scars could be mine.. . Not that I don't already have enough scars to hide... the emotional as well as the physical scars are hard to hide... But believe me- my priorities are to remain here for my daughters. And my friends.

My Friends. Something else that is mine to hold onto. So many of you have come to me in this dark time to offer support and prayer... and a good swift kick in the arse.... *winces* (thanks Bisho.. I needed that... even if it was metaphorical- it was still needed to keep me in line...). I lost my light. My reason for continuing. To steal an analogy from one of my dearest friends, the Train was coming right at me, but I was feeling as though no one was there to yank me back- till several arms DID grab me. And held me and never let go.

God sent me his angels to wrap their wings around me and keep me safe. In the end it was feeling that love that helped me think a little clearer and even though I was attacked again online by that.... *insert dub censor here* I may have let the tears fall- I may have shut everyone down and pushed them all away... But I never forgot them. I clung to them, their words, their memory. I envisioned their love around me like a light. Peaceful and patient until I could get myself back into control. My friends- you held me in place. Made me sit still where I was safe from doing anything foolish.

For that I could never thank you enough. There are no words to thank you for the love and caring and support you gave me...

Tourniquet...

2005-11-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

Today... wasn't that great- it was a continuation from yesterday. so many things seem to be going wrong. My thoughts scared me today. I don't know where they came from.

I had to ban a member from my forum a few days ago. Yesterday, he decided he is going to read the post prior to this and comment on it in a much more publicly known blog- the only reason I can figure is to humiliate me- which he succeeded.

So many problems going on at home. Facing a husband who ... I won't even say it- it hurts too much to think.
Anyway- we fought to the point that I didn't eat breakfast... or lunch... or even dinner....

And now the wine is taking effect, but I don't care. I really don't. It was bad this morning. I stood in my shower and glanced at my razor like it was my new lover. I wanted to... I started to... but I rejected it- throwing it to the floor of the shower. Then I just curled up and let the tears flow.
How can this man be the man I fell in love with 7 years ago? The man I married 3 almost 4 years ago?

Tourniquet
Evanescence

I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I'm dying,
And I'm pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Will you forgive me ?

I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.

Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

(Return to me salvation)
(I want to DIE!)

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.

Happy Ending... Bah!

2005-11-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

I actually have a rant for this... But I will save it for another day... I just don't feel open to debating it... or fighting myself about it... So what I did write will have to do...

The fun, the laughter... I miss my friends- what few I did manage to have... Now he wants to take away my lifeline... he wants to take away my internet... It's the only connection I have to the friends I have. First he takes me away from them when he joined the AF, now he wants to really cause me to sink farther into solitude...

Doesn't he see how I need this?

I don't trust easily... After the ... crap I took in school.. the lies and bullying and betrayals... my trust level is gone...I would sooner be on my own and alone than hang out with anyone in the real world... Here's why...I had 3 good friends I was forced to leave behind when I left Michigan... I met one woman in Mississippi who I mangaged to trust and became friends with. When my husband and I lift Mississippi, her husband had orders to go where we were going. So I already had a friend with us... The neighborhood we lived in though... I never left my home unless I had to... I met people online, but nothing major yet... We moved on base and the internet friendships began to grow... I made only one other friend while in Illinois... Now I am in Washington. My friends once again left behind with the pang in my heart growing. My only connection to them is by email and internet... But because he thinks I spend too much time on it- he wants it to go...

His house is clean, the girls are not neglected... He gets fed 3 times a day when he is actually around to eat... he isn't "neglected" though admittedly, he doesn't get as much as he used to- but I have my reasons on that...

Doesn't he understand that my friends are what get me going in the morning every morning when all I want to do is lay there and cry because I feel ripped away from everyone? I can't even call half the people I know anymore because of time differences, either no one is home, or everyone is sleeping, or it is at someone's meal time...

I ... feel so alone here in Washington... I don't know if I really like it here that much. It's okay... but I don't know... I am afraid to trust anyone here. I don't want to keep making friends only to lose them... At least I trust the few friends I have met online. They have yet to stab me in the back and run... They always offer a smile and/or hug... Know how to make me laugh when I just want to curl up and ... well... Not sure I want to go into that thought...

He doesn't understand... He can never undestand because talking to others comes so natural to him... His friends have never betrayed him... I have no one but the internet to turn to when my thoughts grow dark... Take it from me... and he may as well kill what light I have left in my soul... It has been broken enough... Shattered time and time again... I can't keep fixing it... The view coming from it is warped enough as it is... *sigh*

Can't change the past...

2005-11-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine once told me that... As much as we wish we could sometimes we just can't.

A friend of mine shared her experiences of events that happened to her. There were some similarities between her past and mine. I have already been over mine though so I don't feel the need to repeat it... It's odd... As hard as we try they never do go away. The slightest things can trigger the memories we try to lock them away and forget. Sometimes it is just a word, a similar face, a name... or even a car....

It never fails to amaze me at what triggers it for me. Where people come up with the idea that it is okay to do this is beyond me...It is never about looks. Just the experience... The thrill of doing something even if they know it is wrong... They say once a person goes through something like that ... what doesn't break them makes them stronger... Sorry, but it broke me first. I was broken and gone. Gone to the point I no longer cared what happened to me... I just wanted it to end. So I may be stronger now...but I have since learned that even those who are strong deserve a chance to be weak from time to time... Just to prove that we are indeed human... I took my weakness when a friend of mine took her life. I took my grief and anger out on a spammer that hit my message forum... Think I scared a couple of my members because they had never known me to actually go after someone the way I did. We haven't had a problem with the spammer since...

But I needed that mental break down... I held in so much of the pain... I actually released it. I had friends willing to listen and a place I could write it all down where no one looked down their nose at me. No one judged me for my reaction... I had people I could turn to and trust. I know I wouldn't have been able to succeed and get to where I am now if I didn't have people like these.

The past still haunts me... Like it haunts a couple of my RPG characters. It never really goes away... But I can only face it when it attack or walk away and let it control me... I won't let it control me anymore. It's MY life... MINE alone... No Shadow from my past will pin me down and take what is mine away from me. It is hard... but with my friends, and my family, my faith... I know I will be able to survive. I CAN make it. I WILL make it.

They don't call me Lady Phoenix for nothing... The fire in my spirit still burns... the spark is everlasting... My life, my future, my fate and destiny... It is mine... I have so much to look forward to. I cannot and will not give up. Never again will I give up... My daughters need me.. My friends need me... I have too many reasons to stick around...

Eh...

2005-11-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a little out of sorts...

I feel like I am a child. At 25 years old I am getting lectures from Eric. Instead of being grateful to having a clean home to come home to in which the girls are taken care of and everything, all I get are complaints about computer time... I haven't lost sight of what I need to remember and get done. I get my work done. I go for walks, I interact with the girls.. yet none of it seems to be really enough... He just keeps after me, like if he pesters me enough it will work... Once again, he is mistaken...

I didn't even get online that much yesterday- was online chatting with people in the eveing and even then not for very long. He stared over my shoulder. He suddenly got upset when he asked me about something I was looking at and I showed him. That was when the computer thing started. I want one of those drawing tablets for better photo editing... He got upset and then started saying I am on the computer enough as it is and didn't need it. So, I still want it...
I turned to him last night and made a point to tell him that I don't jump all over him for his irritating habits... His response was at least his get him up and moving. Yeah.. and his smoking is saving his life, right? Sorry I am a bit bitter. I am at least trying to change my habits and he isn't. I am so sick of his double standards it isn't funny...

One day he will see though... one day he will see...

I HATE spammers...

2005-11-02T12:24:00.000-08:00

The title about covers it. Everytime I turn around there is some tom, dick, or Harry that is leaving comments on this blog about celebrity make-up or some kind of business or something. THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISING BLOG!!! I won't do it! I would plug your products, I won't plug the site- the comments get deleted as soon as I find them and are quickly forgotten. No amont of reposting them is going to help you wither. In fact I will begin reporting the adds to the blogger webmaster.

Yes I have had my fill of spammers. On this site and others. I am just sick of people with nothing better to do but try to drag others to sites that have NOTHING to do with the blog post they post on... I mean come on...

"I was doing a search on celebrity make-overs and your space came up and I liked what I saw- you have a good space. Please check out ......" You get the idea. This blog has absolutely NOTHING to do with business, or celebrities, or make-up... Until this post there was no real message about ANY of those topics so the fact they say they came across this blog in one of those sites is an OUTRIGHT LIE!! Get a Life people... I have more important things to think about...

Speaking of those...

My friend, don't apologize okay? There is no need to apologize. I can't help where my mind goes. I worry, yes. Any true friend would. It is no bother, no trouble. I WANT you to still be able to talk to me. To anyone who will listen for that matter. You need to be able to have someone you can trust. And you have at least a couple of us... I will be fine. I have been fine. I just faltered because of some worrisome news from my mom. If you quit talking to anyone I can guarantee the worry will become greater. You hurt yourself more by keeping it in. So PLEASE.. come to me of AFG or someone. Anyone who will listen and talk to us. It will help you so much more believe me...

And for the news I mentioned about my uncle... He was having back problems. He went to the doctor and an x-ray was done. They found a spot on his spine but could not tell what it was. They know it isn't a blood clot- but they won't say what they think it is either. He was supposed to go to another doctor yesterday to learn more but I still have yet to hear anything. So I guess I wait...

Strong and wish

2005-10-31T05:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder just how strong I really am. How much I can truly take. How much I truly fear... Then I have to step back and really wonder just what is it that I fear... I realized I fear more than I care to admit. And not just for me.

I hear all the time just how strong I am to take the things that life has thrown at me... If they only knew how dark my path was... how dark my path still is.... My friends have done wonders. But there are times when I wonder if it is truly enough... There are still so many things unknown. Things I am not yet ready to go into. Things I am not sure I can go into.

I thought I was fine... Thought I was getting better... Thought I was finally able to help others... But I have a bad habit of becoming too attached. So their pain more often times then not becomes mine... I sense confusion and weakness... and I am not entirely sure if it is all mine. So much doubt and fear... No.. this can't be all mine. But then I must ask myself just who else I am feeling at this time.

My head is spinning with confusion...

I can't make sense of it... I don't want to pull back; I want to reach forward. To be a rock for someone to hold on to for strength and courage to face the wrongs in their life. But I feel no one reaching back. I know she needs the support- but does she really WANT it. I know she NEEDS to talk, but she refuses to truly speak... and the times of the day in which she needs someone the most, I can't be there. I hate that... To know someone... not just anyone... a friend... is in trouble and knowing there is very little I can do. That is where I feel weak. It gets too expensive to call... So I can't call often... and because of times .... I can't always be sure I could get ahold of her. At least not without waking everyone else up...

I am sorry if I got you into trouble my friend.... I honestly never meant to. And I am sorry if things that have beeen said or done have made things worse. I am sorry if the place we have called home for nearly a year has become a place you must avoid. I wish you could have told me. I wish I could have been been there more for you. I wish I could have made it easier for you to open up and feel safe enough to talk. I wish I could take away your pain. There are so many things I wish right now. I just wish for you to be happy... I wish I could help you to become happy...

I wish........

Long Day

2005-10-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here for a little while. I was wanting to leave my message to Blue up for a while longer... but now I am just writing to update everyone to know that I am not going to be online much at all today...

Yea.. this day is going to be long... Not just one, but BOTH of my girls are sick to the point of throwing up this morning... They are in the tub right now and I am making this fast... They woke up this way. Sierra is learning quickly how to use the sick bowl while I have blankets that need to be washed for Chenoa. So yeah.... This is going to be a long day...

This has been a long weekend too... and it is only Sunday... Clocks had to be turned an hour back today.. or rather last night... So timing is a bit off today... I still have 2 more clocks to reset.

Well, I send out prayers to a few friends I haven't been able to speak to the last couple of days either due to internet issues or other factors. I hope they are doing all right. I must be going for now. I don't know if I will be online again after this... it all depends on my daughters. So I am sorry if I missed you. I hope to catch you all later!

And anyone still wanting to leave messages to Blue here can find the post in the navigation side bar. That post will still be around. She seems to be doing much better to which I am glad to hear. Haven't been able to speak to her the last 2 days though. I am guessing Internet issues again... But I will speak to her again soon. Which reminds me... I have to get her gift in the mail.....

To Blue: My dear sweet friend...

2005-10-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

I won't go into details here as it would not be fair to her... But a few people have seen my blog and the links to it... Including one blog in particular... They have all reached out and told me that Blue is in their thoughts and prayers. I wanted to share with Blue a banner that one in particular wanted to create for her. The creater's name is Elven- Wolf Trinity or moonlight_bay13 on Live Journal.

Blue- We are reaching out to you with our hearts and prayers. I hope you can feel how much we care about you and want to see you make it through this. It WILL get better, and you have so many who are here willing, ready, and able to help you through this. Please be strong. Have faith, and close your eyes to feel our arms circle you in the biggest hug felt round the world. You are loved and cared for. You have so much to live for even though it may be hard to see right now. The pain you bring to yourself will not make it any better. You have to face this in order to beat it and we are all here behind you- you are NOT alone in any way here. By facing this you will grow stronger. There is that old addage what doesn't break us makes us grow stronger- I have been trapped in that corner- and the darkness did almost claim me- but in the end I weakly stood against it with only a few friends to back me up... They were all I needed. They helped me when I thought I was truly alone... That is what we are all trying to do for you now. We love you Blue!!

banner credit: moonlight_bay13

And any who see this who want to add their wishes and prayer to Blue for the hardships she is facing- feel free to leave a comment and to blue if you see there are comments here- feel free to look- they will be for you my friend... *hugs*

I'm back! lol

2005-10-06T04:53:00.000-07:00

And I am cross posting as it takes a lot of time to write up a huge summary like this for the trip... So if you read this before- sorry... If not then YAY!! You get to read how the trip went to our new home! lol

This was definitely an experience. The whole moving adventure. We left Scott AFB on the 16th of September and made our way first to Michigan for a week to visit family and friends. I met my mom's boyfriend. He was fun and I can see how much they care about each other. He makes her happy and that I am very happy to see. He has a really nice house too. I have to thank him again for opening it up to Eric, the girls and me during the time we were there.

We went to the Reenactment at Bay City- not in our period costumes as we normally would have, but we did stop by to say hi to even more friends.

Eric's Isuzu made it up from Illinois all right but I think it was like 2 days after we had been in Michigan, the head on it cracked and oil went everywhere.. Including all over the front of my car, which has made things interesting for me when it rains... So he had to buy a new vehicle. He got himself a full sized pick up... At first he didn't think it would be much of a problem... But it is becoming one- I will explain more later. It is an oil guzzler that is for sure...

On the 26th, we left Michigan in the morning. I was able to get a phone call through to AFG which I enjoyed as I was not able to talk to her much online when I had the opportunity to get on my sister-in-law's laptop to check my email and get a few things done that I was unable to do before we left Scott. She told me about one problem that occurred on our site, but then we just talked about other things. I was glad to hear from her, and it made me want to get to Washington even sooner so we could finally get settled. We made it to Iowa that night. We would have gone farther, but we noticed that Eric's back lights for night driving weren't coming on so we stopped at a gas station outside of Des Moines, Iowa so he could check it out and try to work on it. It took so long that we eventually just stayed at a Super 8 Motel that was behind the gas station. It was a nice place to stay. The next morning I showered and we were on the road again. The shower helped to wake me up that was for sure. Well... We got about 10 miles down the road when we went to stop to get breakfast at a McDonald's. That was when the bigger of our problems began... The clutch went out in Eric's truck.

We lost 1/2 a day's travel that day as he tried to get it fixed. We were in a McDonald's parking lot so food and drink was not much of a problem.... But still- the longer it took the more it meant I would be driving into the night to make up for lost time. I was not looking forward to that. So while he worked, I opened the journal he had bought for me and toyed around with some plot ideas for both my novel and fan fiction. Even got some down for the RPG's I am involved in. It was a nice way for me to take the edge of the long day... At one point Eric took the girls with him in my car to get some hoses he would need to bleed the cluth out to make it not quite so loose, so I laid out in the cab of his truck and grabbed myself a nap. I needed it. If I hadn't taken one there was no way I would have lasted as long as I did when we finally got started again. Which we did not long after he made the trip to get the hoses. We stopped in South Dakota that night about mid way through it. We planned to travel up to go through Wyoming and Montana. It was at that stop that Eric realized that it was only the 27th and he still had at least 3 more full days before he HAD to be at Fairchild AFB in Washington so he slowed down a bit. We stayed at another Super 8. Another shower in the morning woke me up enough to get going again.

Iowa was an okay state- kind of dull in scenery I thought. Tons of rolling fields.... South Dakota was a little better. Especially when got further west into the state and came across some neat places to stop at. There was a town called 1880 Town- it was the place where "Dances With Wolves" was filmed at. I definitely want to go back and take a better look at that place one day. It actually looked a little like the beginning scene in Will Smith's "Wild Wild West". The Badlands was a nice spot to check out as well. It was right around in here that I got a call from CM which made my day even better!! I loved hearing from AFG and CM on this trip. I missed my friends terribly and it just helped me a little more to get the energy I needed to keep going. So thanks you guys!!

Then we hit Wyoming.. Not a whole lot there but it was nice. Things got more interesting when we hit Montana. Everytime we stopped for something to eat, everyone seemed so nice. Just so willing to open up and chat with you. No one in Michigan is like that. I swear the farther west you get, the friendlier everyone is. We had ordered water for the girls at one little rest stop diner for supper on the 28th. The waitress gave them juice instead- free of charge. She and 2 other waitresses came over and talked to us quite a bit which spurred a conversation with a guy sitting beside us about his time in the Air Force- he had some great stories to tell too. It was nice to relax, even at a rest stop, and just cool off from the drive for a little bit. Then the waitress gave the girls a small ice cream cone when they had finished their meal. It was really nice. We hit the road again after dinner and made it to the Rocky Mountains by nightfall. We then stopped at a Holiday Inn that night. I was in heaven lol.

When we woke the next morning we fueled ourselves with showers and food and then went on the road again... Speaking of which, I heard that Willy Nelson song while we were driving... It was ironic, but I listened to it lol. We knew we only had about 5 or 6 more hours to go so that helped. Driving through the mountains was beautiful. Seeing them at sunset the night before had captivated me. Then watching the sun rise over them was just... beautiful... We made one stop in Montana near Fort Custer in Little Big Horn. Yup the place where Custer's Last Stand took place. It was nice to look around a bit and then we were back on the road again. We only had one problem this day... Eric's Temp gauge was sticking so his truck kept over heating on us... So yeah- it took a little longer than we would have liked to get out here. Idaho was a quick state to pass through, but driving through the mountains there scared the crap out of me... It didn't help that is was very rainy at the time so with wet roads and crazy drivers... not to mention the construction going on... yeah- it made things interesting. We practically coasted through though and Washington said its hello with even more rain lol.

The town of Spokane reminds me of Flint... an old beat up town from my old state of Michigan... There are spots that are really nice and busy- like near the mall lol. And then there are some really run down areas that I have no real intention of going to. We got onto Fairchild AFB with very little difficulty and made our way to the Inn on base. They gave us a room for the night in TLF (Temporary Living Facility) and we got comfortable for a bit. Eric made some calls and learned that there was a house waiting for us. He went the next morning to sign in at his squadron and then we got the paperwork for the house satarted. Thanks to some help from his squdron we didn't have to stay in a hotel that night as we were told we would have had to as there was no more room left in the Inn or in TLF and the place we stayed at was reserved for the next night to somone else... We set up times for Cable and phone to be set up and got a few things taken care of. And now here I am.

Our things arrived Tuesday and we have been slowly trying to make our way through the boxes. It is a matter of finding each room now. The office area is found. The bedroom is basicaly found as well as the kitchen. We still have about 2 or 3 boxes in the girls room to go through yet though. It's a nice house. A 3 bedroom ranch style home with 2 bathrooms and a fenced in yard. It even has a basement... the rooms are a little smaller than what we had at Scott though so that makes it a little hard in figureing where everything will go- but slowly we are turning this house into a home. Our phone should get hooked up today and then we can call and let everyone know the new number. We also have to get new phone numbers for our cell phones so that we are no longer in roam out here. It is a pain on or minutes and it hurts us in the long run to have to use them in roaming...

Well that about covers everything that happened on this trip and gets everyone up to date. I will be in touch with everyone more so when we finally get more settled and things slow down- for right now I feel like I am sneaking online just to chat with my friends. Eric has been a pain about my time on the computer. He doesn't seem to realize that it is only during the few small breaks I take during the day that I am online... Until he saw the proof yesterday that is lol... I got our room cleaned up and only have about 3 more boxes to go through. Considering I had to fight with the cable company and I had the girls running like hell cats around here- he had to admit that I did good lol. So he left me alone- I have a feeling he will be leaving me alone on Friday too- I hope. It is my brithday and I am really only wanting a break from everything. Fun with friends and to be able to chat with family while he is at work is all I really need... That and more time to be able to write some more...

Well I am going to get off here for now. I will write again when I have more time. Take care everyone and I am glad to see everyone again!!

Missing Everyone

2005-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well I have another chance to check in and get online before I lose all my chances...

I really do miss everyone. I worry about some and am scared for others. I wish I was able to come online more often than I am. I am investing in a laptop after tihs. MAy take me a year- but I will have one so I can still be in touch with everyone.

The trip itself is doing pretty well. I am getting some ideas written down fro my novel and my fanfictions while I have downtime. I am also enjoying time with my family. I haven't really seen too many of my own friends. Most of them are online anyway. I am just waiting for this week to fly by. The sooner we get out to Washington, the happier I will be. The sooner we get the internet back p the more ecstatic I will be. I need to be here where I am more accepted. I miss my internet family.

I have worried for a few of them lately though. I hope they remember that though I am not always here everyone is always on my mind. I hope they don't fall so far into the darkness of despair that they do something they will regret. live or die- they will regret it. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers... I will always be thinking of you. You are my friends. My family. I would hate to have anything happen to any of you. You are loved. Are thought of at least non-stop by me. You have your friends. Even if only online- please know that in some ways- you are not alone even if you feel like you are.

Taking a Break

2005-09-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yes I am cross posting again... It saves time and yet everyone gets the update...

Well the packers left a little while ago and now there are boxes all over the place. Had to call the compan though as when they left they left 2 different cupboards still not packed and missed a few things on top of the fridge. They may be back a little later to get that stuff packed. I am stealing a few minutes to get this typed up and updated as tomorrow everything is loaded up and taken away. Well- except the computer- but things will be so hectic as after they load we have to start cleaning... So when I do get on- it will be late... BUt i have 2 more nights to be able to say my goodbyes.

Have I ever said how much I am NOT looking forward to being without the internet for 3 weeks?

Going offline...

2005-09-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

Okay guys.. this is Lady Phoenix signing out. Everything is packed tomorrow... so I will no longer be online until October now. As for me.. I have been busy packing suitcases and getting things ready. So I am beat and I will be headed off to bed now. Take care and I will see you all in 3-4 weeks when I return. *hugs to all*

As for my sister in law- We will see you when we get up there!!

small set back...

2005-09-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

At about 9 am this morning my husband looks at me and asks me to take him ot the hospital. Now this man DOES NOT do hospitals. So whatever was wrong had to have been major. Turns out it was something he has been through before. 2 years ago when we lived in Mississippi, Eric came down with a case of kidney stones. It seems as though they came back with a vengeance. He is now laying on a bed in the ER with an IV in his arm being rehydrated and medicated to ease the pain. We are still waiting for a CAT scan to come through before we know anything more. I will be posting again when I have more information on it. I hate seeing him in so much pain. BUt this is worse.

Monday the movers get here... That means all weekend we have to get everything off the walls that they will be packing, not to mention getting bags packed so we have clothes to wear while we go through with this move. It looks like I will be offline more than I want to as I am going to have to be the one doing everything while he gets better from this... This is going to be a VERY long weekend...

moving news...

2005-09-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

"It may feel like your opportunity has slipped away, but this is just an illusion. You have more time than you realize. If you succumb to someone else's schedule, instead of sticking to your own timing, you may become resentful. Remember, you are building on your future now -- and you don't need to do it all in one day."

How odd that I got this horoscope for today. I was already resenting the comments I was getting for trying to do things in my own time and my own way. Then this comes to my inbox. I swear I have gone insane today, and at least my sister in law and one of my friends have seen and heard it first hand. I have finally snapped. I was being stretched in so many directions, so many dates and numbers in my head that I think I really just finally lost it. There are so many things I don't even think I can remember them all to write them down even. He is nitpicking over the cleaning and time spend online and everything in between. He is turning this move into what it was when we moved here from the apartment 6 months ago.

I would hate for this to really get to him... But things were almost better when he wasn't here. Life went on and things were okay. Since he has been home... the first day was okay.. but ever since it has been like walking on egg-shells around him. Frankly, I am tired of it. I know once things are done- things should slow down and he should be at least tolerable... But until then...

As for news... Starting the 12th the movers come to pack everything. The 13th that load it into the truck. The 15th I lose the internet and the 16 we should be leaving here. We will stay a few days up in Michigan and then head on through to Washington- making stops in the BadLands and Yellowstone. Should be a nice trip... But I will be missing everyone. I already do and I am not even gone yet...

More to the story...

2005-09-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Any reading my other blogs know that I have been kind of blowing off everything to come. There I have been. Not here. There is so much more to the story. I am seeing a repeat of the move from Belleville to Base again. He's getting pushy and irritable which is making me irritable and all we have done today is snap at each other. Things just aren't working that great at all. There is only so much we can do before the movers get here and yet he is demanding so much to be done BEFORE they get here. I am already returnng to being silent now that he is home. I admit now- I almost wish he was still somewhere else. I am tired of things being this way. Tired of fighting and fussing. If I wanted to listen to that I would take a toy from the girls and let them fight it out...
He is calling out dates and wanting my opinon of things and I personally no longer care- I went way beyond caring a while ago. Either way I am looking at a great deal of time w/out my computer and I don't like that idea at all. It is what is keeping me sane... and insane at the same time- but since I was already insane to begin with I guess that isn't much of a stretch. Either way I just wish he would sit back and think about what he is doing to everyone around him when he starts acting like this... It will get a lot worse before this move is even done...

2005-08-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well there are like 3 other pics of the Hurricane but I can't get them up just yet... But when I can I will. I continue to pray for those that lost so much , and continue to thank God that E made it through okay. I will be looking forward to his return this weekend...

pics of the hurricane

2005-08-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

Ok here are the first set of pics of the flood waters in Biloxi during hurricane Katrina

Hurricane update

2005-08-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Hurricane it looks like E is coming home for a few weeks. He could be let go anytime between Wednesday and Friday. Because they will be without power for at least 3 weeks his classes can't restart to the very earliest Oct. 3rd. So we won't be moving for at least another month. He is planning on taking possibly 2 weeks for a vacation and that way we can go back to Michigan to see our friends and family for a little while before we head off to Washington. This may be our only chance to do so. So I guess the Hurricane for us was a blessing in disguise. But I feel horrible for those that lost so much. I have received pics of what Keesler AFB looked like during the surge... It is not pretty at all.

E got to finally get a look at his vehicle today. All the windows on the driver's side of his car were shattered. There were dents on the outside, some minor water damage inside, but at least it still started. We have to go through our insurance policy to double check everything before we attempt to turn in a claim.

He told me the shelves in the commissary down there were caked 6 feet in mud. He says there is almost nothing left. Says I-90 is gone... After seeing the pics... I can understand. I am just thanking God that he is all right and coming home.

Hurricane Katrina

2005-08-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

I am cross posting this in several blogs so please forgive me if you have already read this... I just wanted to get this out ...

Hurricane Katrina did quite a bit of damage. And my husband was right in the middle of it. He is okay. But shaken. Things don't look good where he is right now and when I talked to him- he was VERY quiet. I almost wonder just HOW ok he really was... Physically he may have been okay, but something else just wasn't right- he was VERY soft and VERY kind to me on the phone tonight.

Our moving plans may be moved however. Because of this- the clean up alone will take his class back a week. So his graduation may be farther away than we all thought. Now I have to go back and change all the dates to inspections and movers.

I still can't shake the feeling that something wasn't right... I just pray I was wrong... I admit I complain about him a lot... But I still love him and try to tell him so every day... He was just too quiet... Something isn't right... or something won't be right...

Please God... watch over him and the others... Keep them safe...

2005-08-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well one task down- about 50 more to go lol... Okay so maybe not 50- but still.. the stress of it all isn't exactly a fun idea. I scheduled the appointment to get the paperwork started for the move. Have to go back tomorrow afternoon. But that is the least of my worries.

E is in a shelter right now. He has been in Biloxi all summer to finish up so Air Force Training. Hurricane Katrina of course is hitting. Though it has been downgraded to a tropical storm now. I have kind of been avoiding all the news broadcasts about it because I am worried enough. I don't know when I will hear from E next. He is hoping by Wednesday to be able to be in contact with me again. It is all wait and see until then. I have heard about the fatalities and the flooding and know that everything is within anywhere from 5 hours to 2 miles where he is at. I can only keep praying that he and everyone down there come out of this okay...

This was a nice change...

2005-08-14T23:31:00.000-07:00

Well, E left at 11 this morning while the girls were napping so it would be easier to get away. We had a great weekend actually. We went to a base wide family fun day picnic on Friday and the girls got to play on a one of those fair ground style, large bouncy slides, we stood under a tent that was piped and wired to spray water constantly to cool people off. Then Saturday we went to the mall and wandered around. He bought me a new notebook and pen set so I would have it for my story ideas when we are without our computer during the move. He also got me and him both new necklace charms with a nice chain to go with them. He also bought me a new sterling silver chain to go with a charm I had broken the chain of. Then he got me the Enigma greatest hits CD so I could have their song Return to Innocence again.

We never made it to the Squadron picnic, well the girls and I didn't anyway. We were exhasuted from the mall. Probably a good thing as a huge storm blew up almost out of no where during it and everything was drenched. We did, however, go out to eat at a Mongolian Restuarant yesterday with Brandon and Nikki. It was great! It was buffet style and like eating at a Chinese restaurant. They actually had my Steak Kow meal I like so much and so I got some of that and the sweet and sour chicken for me and the girls as well as egg rolls and crab rangoon. The girls like the snow crab legs too! lol. Nikki and Brandon were breaking up the legs for the girls to be able to eat the meat. And I finally actually tried sushi. That was an interesting experiance. Lucky it was just the vegetable sushi wrap so it wasn't that bad actually. Guess Saturday was a night for trying new things lol. It was a lot of fun. Very filling, but very fun.

E treated me very well this weekend. No rude comments, he was affectionate and everything which I was surprised. We both agreed that this weekend went really well.
We also did some talking and I don't know all the details yet- but E wants to get back to Michigan one last time before we leave for Washington in September. It will only be for one night as we have to make it quick and get on our way. We would swing by and have lunch or dinner with his parents just so we can visit with them and E can drop some things off he promised to give his father and then we would be over to see my mom and brother. That would be like the 21st of September- 21st or 22nd. Still have to nail down the dates. But at least we can see everyone hopefully one more time before the end of the year as we are not sure how the rest of the year will go yet. From my mom's place (where we will be staying the night), if we go up to Michigan, the next day we head up through the upper pennisula ( stopping to see his Uncle Brian to get a gun barrel he has for E) then stopping either in Wisconsin or Minnesota for the next night. Then head through South Dakota and anywhere in between on our way to Washington. He wants to stop at Yellowstone National Park too so the girls and I can see it. I had better make sure I get tons of film lol.

These are all tentative right now- but he seems pretty set so I will just have to see how things go when we know more about our final days here in Illinois. Well, I guess that is my update for this time. Till next time then! Oyasumi nasai! (Japanese for "Good night")

So far so good...

2005-08-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

*knock on wood* Yeah- so far things seem to be okay. I am just waiting for things to change though.Things never stay this way. He actually let me take a nap earlier this morning since he had woke me up when he got home. He is picking his orders up now. I may have to be the one to deal with TMO in order to get the moving dates scheduled. That will be a pain in my reaer but I guess I can do it.

There really isn't much to tell right now. The girls are loving having him home for the weekend. I have already told my friends that I won't be online much - if at all so I can't get ripped on for that while he is here. We have a family fun day picnic going on that we are going to later and then his squadron picnic is tomorrow so we figure we will at least get out and see a few things at least as a family before he goes again. The next time we see him will be after he graduates and we are headed out. He actually complimented the house on how clean it looked. Hopefully I can keep it that way before the preinspection on Monday. That has my nerves all messed up... I so don't want to have to go through these kinds of things on my own, but I have no choice. All I can do is pray that things will work out okay.

Well, now I am off again, before he gets back from getting his orders. I am not about to screw anything up now... I don't want to spend the weekend fighting at all...

WTF?!?!?

2005-08-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so this has become my new favorite picture these last couple of days. I am so getting sick of E's crap!! He likes to make it sound like things are just so tough on him down there where he is. He is coming back for the weekend to get a few things taken care of and to check on his orders. With the only thing that has been on his mind for so long echoing back in the back of my head I didn't know what to expect. There had been so many promises of "next time we are together..." Why am I still the fool to believe he would change. so I would have phone sex wiht him. Is that really such a reason to talk like crap to me? He mentioned he was watching a movie 2 nights ago. One of his "special" movies. I said that at least he can have the real thing this weekend. his response : No I won't." I about fell over!! I asked him what he meant and he told me he has learned not to expect anything so he won't. I had been having a fairly good day till that. Needless to say I ended that conversation there ASAP. and then today...

I have been up since 11:00 pm last night- have not been to bed yet. Busted my Ass (pardon the language) Cleaning the house and trying to set up the girls' rooms once again after they completely trashed everything- now bear in mind I rarely actually make an attempt to clean upstairs. I clean downstairs as that is where everyone sees- not up. Pretty much the only thing I didn't do today was ashing the inside of the fridge and maybe 2 out of 5 loads of laundry I found in the girls rooms combined wiht the towels that needed to be done. I try to take a nap when the girls do and that turns out to be a mistake. I am not even going to get into why... Let's just say that Chenoa was green from head to toe and so was the kitchen floor and fridge... and now I need a new green stamp pad for my scrapbooking materials... anyway... E calls and suddenly I have to remember to do so many other things. Including call the garbage office to tell them we will be putting a large sofa chair out with the garbage this Sunday. HE ACTUALLY ORDERED ME TO DO THIS!!!!

Out of spite, I didn't follow his direct order. I was too busy today- I will call tomorrow. He wants things to be a certain way... demands it and I am trying. But there is always something more. I finally got all the nail polish out of the carper and cleaned up the green ink stains out of the carpet upstairs as well. But the girls had decided to paint the bathroom floor with what was left of my nailpolish. Now... I could have just let it dry and scrapped it off later- but the baka that I am (for those who do not know Japanese- baka= idiot), I tried to use nail polish remover to clean it up. Didn't work. Tried a couple different cleaners... nothing. When it dried I decided to scrape it as a last resort. It all came off but the spots I used the remover and stain cleaners on... well- let's just say that there is now a small purpls spot an a medium sized pink spot on the bathroom floor. I mentioned this to E and he blew up at me. Telling me I BETTER have it cleaned up before the inspection... He practically snapped the order on me again. So I finally yelled back. Told him I was trying everything we had here. That I would do everything I could. He gets quiet and then says "well fine. I will let you go." I told him bye and hung. 2 nights in a row now where I have hung up without telling him I loved him. I do- but I can't say it right now...

Yeah- well if he wants to be that way ... It just proves that once again he lied to me. With all the talking we did the first 2 weeks he was gone I thought we worked out so much. Normally I am the one holding grudges. This time he is the one who won't let go. This just shows that even when he said he understood and was actually trying to work on things, he has opted to resort to his old ways just because I won't submit to him over the phone. I DON'T NEED IT!!!! How many times do I have to say it. He has videos and an over active imagination. He doesn't need me... Even if some guy out there wants to try to defend E about this. Yeah- I can guess teh comments I could get on it. How it helps for while we are apart and all that. I did it 2 times. I was so uncomforatbale it did NOTHING!! it is not my thing. Not when what I am craving is cuddling and being held. I don't need or want sex right now- I just want to feel loved for a change...

Is that really too much to ask?

(icons compliments of wiccabeth on Live Journal and the larger pic is from janime.net)

Just a general update...

2005-08-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

(not really- I just like this banner XD)

I seem to be cross posting this in all my blogs so if you have read it already- sorry... Just too busy to type up 3 separate entries...

yeah yeah yeah, I knew all my playing was going to bite me in the butt XD...

I get a call from my husband's squadron today... Turns out the dog we had that I gave away to someone I thought would be good to him, apparently ran away and because the microchip inside him was never updated, they call me... So now I have to try to contact the woman (damn I lost her number too GRRRR!!!) So I have to send an email out to the community we are both on and wait for her to contact me... hopefully it is soon too.

Got a call from my husband today too... Apparently he will be home around 3 am Friday morning this week. So now I have to quit writing and playing and completely get the upstairs cleaned up. Downstairs is just fine- it is upstairs that looks like a tornado hit it... I hate cleaning... But I do it anyway as it is part of my job here. I have the girls working on their room now.. like that will last. I think mine is ok for now. Not much I can do much more till I can get a carpet shampooer in there thanks to the girls and a nail polish incident.

Had a problem on my message forum with a few members that is still not completely cleared up. DR wants to clear it up and apologize. But it is up to "1" now. I admit that sometimes DR can be a bit out there, we all can. He just has a sense of humor that is sometimes hard to know what is a joke and what is serious. As you get to know him though, you can tell a little easier.
He just needs to be given another chance.

As for RPG's.... well I have officially lost my mind. I RP as Téa and Atem in the YGO RPG on the message board. I am SOOOO not the duelist Atem is and I am not even about to pretend to be so this should be interesting lol. TO be honest- I don't really remember volunteering for the part *headdesk*...
We had a wedding in a separate RPG... Bakura and Zahara finally made it official much to everyone's delight. Who knew the Pharaoh's youngest daughter and his main rival would actually make it XD. Ahh but now a new situation. RIJ (the one who tried to stand in the way of Bakura and Zahara getting married) and Sanura (the Pharaoh's other daughter- the eldest of a set of triplets he had) have admitted they ... well... love each other. The problem? He can't get to close. Thanks to the freaking elders... lol... So now she has to decide to walk away and go back to Marik, or try to find a solution so she and RIJ can be together... which either way she stands to lose everything...

I finally have part 3 to my Eternal Love series up online. I still have to add the link to my navagation bar by my profile here, but it is up. I am up to chapter 3 posted and am deep into chapter 4 right now... At least I will be when I can settle down again.

Guess that is my update. For now anyway... isn't it just great *falls over* Yup.... such fun... *rolls eyes*

A Word of Thanks

2005-08-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

The last couple of posts have brought out a few comments from people that I wanted to thank them for. It is nice to know that people out there do care about what is going on... Or at least my mental ability to handle it *smile*. It means a great deal to me to have the friends I do. I admit I don't have many that I can call true friends and that is always the way I thought it would be. I can handle tons of people that I know. But I am very happy with just a few close friends. Especially when they are friends who mean so much to me... So Blule, chelle, and Revoering Packrat... I thank you for being there with me. For getting to know me and still accepting me. And this thank you goes to other friends who may or may not have been able to go through this blog... So AFG, GDG, RT... and yes even you wiitago.... You all have special places in my heart. I will never forget all we have been through that created our friendships to begin with. Thank you again for sticking with me. Please know that I will stick with you as well...

not again...

2005-08-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

I swear I am so ready to give up... Of all the things for him to be upset with me about... *rolling eyes*

He is gone- he is on his own again while continuing his training. Whenever he calls it always leads to talks of sex. He is completely obsessed. Sorry but I don't need it that often, and I don't exactly have a need to discuss it either- especially since we have talked about everything we can possibly cover in terms of what we would like to add to the bedroom or just try to see what helps bring that spark back. The spark is there for me- It never left... I just didn't feel like sleeping with someone who was treating me so poorly. I think I finally got that through his thick skull because he quit making the hurtful comments. But...

Now he has this thing where he wants to have phone sex all the time. I DON'T!! I am just not a phone sex kind of girl. I can write about it, read about it, but I don't speak it... I can't bring myself too... for reasons of my own. I admit I did do it for him 2 times... But it wasn't the best thing in the world... just made him happy. But now he wants it everytime and I am sorry- but I am just too tired at night after the girls go to bed. Doesn't help I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time.

Not only am I dealing with insomnia at night, but on the rare occassion I try to go to sleep- I sleep in the hall as I have to stop the girls before they destroy the house every morning. I haven't slept in my own bed for the past 2 weeks now... The floor really isn't that comfortable either. And I get no appreciation for it either. I can't complain because E makes it sound like something that happened to him is always much worse. He goes to school- he works out- he goes back to the hotel room where room service has already cleaned his room and refreshed everything. He doesn't deal with screaming, fighting, fussing, 2 and 3 year old girls all day long who always get up between 4 and 5 am and run me ragged all day long. I still have to clean the house and prepare the meals... He doesn't do that kind of thing. Yet I am supposed to drop everything and tend to him every night on the phone. I Don't. Think. So.

He always asks me what I am wearing- whether I am wearing a bra or not and so on. It gets a little old though I understand why he does it. The problem is that I don't wear anything sexy right now. I have no need to. I've no one to impress. I am at home all day. So what's the point? I was about to get in the shower when he called yesterday so I had nothing on but my towle. He asked so I actually responded honestly. I get the cold treatment when he calls later in the day. Telling me very sarcastically, Thank you for saying what I did when he couldn't do anything about it. THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED!!!!!

Ok- I am done venting. As good as he has been... he still has a lot to work on... I am still working on my own issues, but I am not alone in this situation. Well...I am.. but I'm not...
Never mind... My head is so far gone I can't even think straight...

Why Me? Baka: the title is mine...

2005-07-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

I mean it really? Why me??? this week has been horrible. Not only did I nearly break my ankle- which I am happy to say is feeling much better now by the way- but my microwave blew. Luckily I was able to get a different one form a lady here at the base so I had one to help with the meals I had to make the girls. It works pretty well. I am impressed, but I pulled the stupidest stunt today...

I had just finished up getting groceries and was loading up to get the girls home and get something to eat. I thought... I hadn't realized that I had left my keys on a box filled with drinks and they had fallen in between the drinks... I shut the trunk and went to get the girls out when I realized ... I. Did. Not. Have. My. Keys...... *facepalm* I shut them in the trunk of the car and had no spare ley to open it with. not on me, not in the car, not at home. No one was home no matter who I called so I could not find anyone to help me. I went back inside the store and they took pity on me because I had the girls. It wsa in the 90's today and very humid so it was horrible to be stuck out there. Even the breeze was a sticky hot air...

Instead of giving me a phone number to a locksmith, they actually called the guy for me, told him I had the 2 girls and needed help. I then was given their phone so I could give him the info he needed. He came out and swore it would only be about 15 minutes... it probably would have been too- had he not snapped his allen wrench in the lock of the trunk... *headdesk*
+

The girls and I stood out there in the heat with nothing to drink for a good 45 minutes and it was horrible. The girls mad it wrose by fighting, and fussing and throwing fits over every little thing. The last tings because we did not go to McDonald's for supper. Sorry, but I had just forked out $110.00 to correct a mistake I made and I really couldn't afford to make ... There was no way I could have afforded McDonalds after that... So now I have to pray and hope we can make it through the next 2 weeks on the very little amount left to our names...

my questions is when will things get better? I know have had my 3 horrible things happen to me- by the ways of the rules terrible things happen in 3's... well hopefully this bad streak goes away soon...

Yes I like having pics in my blog like this... It helps me- and personally... I don't care what anyone has to say about them right now... I am beyond caring about a lot of things right now... But this could be just another phase so who knows... *shrugs*

Wish I Knew...

2005-07-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

I talked to my mother earlier today. Wish it had all been good news. Things seem to be going better for her, but it seems possible a guy I knew has been missing since May. My mom could only remember his first name; and the fact that he went to school with my sister and me. A grade below me... Granted if it really is him, we weren't exactly friends, but we rode the same bus a couple of times. The cops say they found his car in the statelands near when my mom lives. there was a note on the car. HE wrote the note. He said that no one would ever find him. They have dragged lakes and rivers and brought in the dogs trying to find him. There has been no sign of him or his body... It is weird to think that someone could be that angry, dissatisfied with their lives to do something like this... But then again I have been at the breaking point a couple of times... I wrote about it in this account though so if you want to know the messy details of what pushed me over the edge Just check my archives...

So now I pray that he is okay, wherever he is.

I did get a new microwave though... Well not new exactly. A friend had it just sitting in her garage and gave it to me. Mine blew up on me yesterday while warming up mac and cheese for the girls... I got lucky to have it replaced so soon and without losing any money too *grins*.

I can walk on my foot again. It takes a little effort, but at least I know it will be okay as long as I am careful...

Oh the Pain...

2005-07-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

Can't seem to say it enough...

Not sure what I did, but I did someting alright. I stood up earlier today not realizing my foot had gone to sleep. I was in a hurry and when I stepped down I lost my footing and felt something snap and crack in my ankle and foot. I took it easy the reast of the day and I thought it was going to be ok. But now I am in extreme pain. It is so very hard to walk on it too... If I can't get the pain to ebb somehow I may have to go to the clinic and get it checked out. I have hurt my ankle similarly in the past, but the pain was nothing like it is now... I can walk on it so it sin't broken... but the pain of it is not fun. Especially since I have so many things I am trying to get done to prepare for my Pampered Chef party on Saturday.

Guess it is just wait and see...

Things are so very quiet. You would think I would be able to get more writing done, and yet I can't. I don't know why. I got half way through the last chapter to EL2 and I just froze. I have no idea where it should go. I know what I want in it... but now I have to get it there. On another note... I am waiting for AFG to get back home lol... I am suddenly in the need for a duel lol... Haven't had one in awhile and my deck is in need of dusting off... Even if I lose again. At least I would be playing lol.. It really doesn't matter to me anymore.

Well, my chapter is still calling me, and so are the pain killers. I sure hope this insomnia doesn't last forever... It is becoming quite the pain... Oh yeah... I still have a wedding to keep planning too... Bakura and Zahara... There is an interesting pair up... so similar and yet they couldn't be more different if that

makes any sense. lol...

At least for those who were worried, I seem to be doing better... Just have to get through this bum ankle now.. Damn thing has always given me problems... ever since... yeah- well... that...

I have to go for now. later!

Quick post

2005-07-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Ok just a note to say I put up the link to my friend Golden Dragon Girl's Webcomic TheLaw of Purple (LOP). The link automatically takes you to the most recent submission to the comic, but if you go down to the bottom you will find a little head with a read face. Click on it and it takes you all the way to the beginning so you can read it from the start. I think it is great and nothing like plugging the girl's work after she was so kind to create that pic for me lol... She has a lot of talent...

Just thought I would post it here too... that way you all know what it looks like... The link is behind the pic...

These were supposed to be added to the end of the first post, but they didn't come up... that is odd... Oh well- they are here now so that is all that matters lol

Things have been slow...

2005-07-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well things have settled down for the most part. The car finally passed the emissions test and for the most part our bills are caught up. The girls are driving me insane, however. Not that I was very sane to begin with *shrugs* ... Anyway...
I feel horrible, but I have had to take to locking them in their rooms at night. They wake up and instead of letting me know they are wake, they go down stairs and destroy anything and everyting they can get their hands on. I just don't know what to do, but I need some sleep as well. I honestly have no real choice anymore. I can manage on 4 or5 hours of sleep- which is what I tend to do most days... but ... Never mind. I can't complain. Insomina has struck me so I just can't seem to get to bed till going on 2 or 3 am. It is a royal pain in the rear. But by leaving my messengers off during the day when I get a break during their naps (like now) I can get my chapters written and make a couple of blog entries while checking in on my message board as well. Foolish me even got hooked on RPing... Though I am not nearly as involved as soem of my online friends. I have 2 that I am extremely active in. One became a fiction work that I was able to post online... I may post it in another blog here... may- still tossing that aornd yet.
I have learned I am interested in yet another anime now ... FMA (Full-Metal Alchemist)I have been able to watch that one and InuYasha from their very first shows since the channel restarted them so now I can at least understand more about what they are about... A friend of mine who goes by the online alais of Golden Dragon Girl created a picture just for me. I have to say I loved it! It depicts my character, Lady Phoenix with her love, Atem. The Artistic license she pulled on the pic was actualy enough to make me alter my character profile for Lady Phoenix in my novel as well. We are currently discussing her creating the pics for the other characters actually. It will be nice to actually have a pic to put to the character. They will no longer be just words on a page.
Anyway... Since I am bragging about the pic... I may as well show it *grins*

You know... I think I will add a link to her webcomic too. It is called the Law of Purple. Very well done and her whole family actually gets involved in its creation. Her brother is her editor lol...
Well the girls are waking so I have to get lunch around. Just wanted to let everyone know that the girls and I are doing ok... Nothing really to rant about really aside from the stunts the girls have pulled lately, but kids will be kids...

Bad Day

2005-07-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Well.... A part of me has decided I can no longer go to sleep anymore. Everytime I wake up it is something else. Something wrong. Every morning for the past week, the girls would get up and get out of their rooms and find something to get into. First it was only my scrapbooking papers. I could deal with that. But then yesterday they ate all the cookies I had in a bag so they didn't need breakfast. And then this morning....

This morning I wake up to find they have gotten into our bathroom and pulled out all my nail polish. Not only are they covered head to tow in the colors, but they have it all over the upstairs carpeting. Military housing.... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THAT!!!!! This is isane. To make it worse- they got into the baby powder next. The whole bedroom floor was caked in it- as was my bed... I need a break-If there is even such a thing as a break...

I still have to get my car to a shop today on top of everything else I have to get done... And All I want to do is sit down and write. Write all day long and not be bothereed... But no... I have to find a way to get nail polish out of military carpets without bleaching them... That should prove interesting...

2005-07-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

I am getting a small break to be able to make a post. I think this break was what we needed again. Now if only I can keep myself sane while he is gone lol... He is still calling everyday, sometimes twice a day. He asks about me and then he asks about the girls. He seems to be everyone designated driver down there. He may get one drink, but then he is no longer interested. Last night for example, some friends wanted to go to a bar near a casino and he didn't feel like going anywhere near the casino so he said to give him a call when they were done. He didn't get the chance to go to bed until 5 this morning as he got a call after last call and had to pick them up and take them back to their respective homes. I am glad he can be counted on like that.

I am able to get a few extra things around the house, including cleaning I was unable to before as we finally had the money to get the cleaners I needed. So I have been picking up on that as well. I got 2 chapters up for Eternal Love 2 posted at fanfiction.net. I still have to get the version of it that is posted in a blog on this account updated. It is only up to chapter 14 and I am not done with chapter 16 lol... So I guess I will be busy when I get home. Well speaking of which I need to get off here right now. Have to get the girls ready to go out again tonight. Family time has become something we no longer take for granted. It has been a pretty good weekend. But I doubt I will be on to post again for a little while. I am lucky I was able to get online now... Oh well- later!

2005-06-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Where to begin...
Things are getting off to an ok start so far. E has left for more training which takes him away for 3 months. I think I mentioned it on a different post somewhere. He has called me a few times since he has been gone and i have the number to his room if anything should happen. He has been mostly catching up on sleep. He practically begged me to bring the girls and myself down for the 4th of July weeknd. He has a 4 day break and he can't really get away to come up. But he already misses us and wants to see us he says... He asks me to call him at night before the girls go to bed so he can tell them he loves them. Sierra is already reacting to not seeing him much. She is really quiet and not as active as she usually is. Chenoa it seems hasn't hit her yet. Either that or it won't bother her much... not sure.

Well I am getting more and more into a few things. I am learning Japanese now and getting into Japanese music as well. Beautiful language in my own opinion. I am amazed at what I have been learning actually. that and I updated my one fan fic again. Eternal Love 2 is now up to 13 chapters. But I am almost done with it and then I am on to the next fic in the series. I will be adding that blog here as well when I have it started and ready. Speaking of adding blogs... I have a weird taste in writing it seems these days. I do have another blog in my profile that is not one I advertise in my link section. Only because of the material contained in it. I have had a small habit of writing rather racy works myself though I don't do it often. My fan fc Dancer in a Daydream was the edited version that I have up already. I planned on putting the unedited version in this other blog along with links to fics the I have liked even though the content would shock a lot of people... I guess I am more of a Yaoi fan than I thought and I find that odd... But only if the fic is well written which the nes I post links to on that blog usually are. But I don't recommend it to others... My hidden blog that is...
Ok I rambled enough on that... I have a few more things to get done before InuYasha comes on and then I am probably off to bed. Need my anime fix lol...

I guess this is to basically say that he seems to be treating me better for now... I am grateful for that and hope it stays that way. But only time will tell...

long weekend...

2005-06-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Guess it wasn't really that long. But it seems Eric is finally starting to listen to me... he kept his mouth shut for the most part and I never heard a lewd comment about other women from him all wekend which was nice considering the group of people we were hanging out with. The only thing he is complaining about now is the house. He seems to think it isn't clean enough when I have had several people tell me the house looks spotless... Granted I know it isn't spotless... he is just expecting more from me because I am home all day. Even home all day, once I have all the cleaning done, and the girls are all tired out- there isn't really anything left for me to do. With a 2 sotry home and girls getting into everything the minute youturn your back- it is a little hard for me to makeit upstairs to clean it the way he thinks it needs to be cleaned. And he doesn't want them in our room either so it isn't like I can take them upstairs with me when I clean. I pick up their rooms and put their clothes away and the next day the girls hae the clothes pulled out of their dressers again and all over the floor, so there really isn't a lot I can do about that upstairs. I at least keep things picked up and out of view up there so if some one looks up the stairway, they don't see anything. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever completely make him happy, or even if it is possible to do that.

But I won't complain about him much more than that as the worst problem is easing up and he isn't degrading me the way he was. I am only hoping it continues because that hurt like no one could believe.

I am feeling tired still. The other night I woke up violently ill and my body is still recovering. My whole body was achy and sore and I was dizzy and shaky all day yesterday. The dizziness is gone today, but my back still hurts from the violent dry heaves I had yesterday night... I actually pulled muscles while getting sick which is not like me at all. I don't rmember the last time I was that sick. I couldn't sleep last night for the longest time so now I am exhausted. I think I will be taking a nap while the girls take theirs. Would do me some good that is for sure.
Eric came home with a nasty headache again. It is going to be one of those days to just leave him alone I can tell this or else I am going to be back here crying and complaining again. Would be safer for me to just leave him be...

E and Youngest daughter

Oldest daughter

I don't have many pics of myself... I do have this one taken back in 2002. That was what, 3 years ago? Sounds about right- I am always behind the camera these days.

Yes we do reenactments when we get the chance to come up or over to Michigan. Tons of fun and I thorooughly rnjoy them- Wish we could do them more often, but I am beginning to doubt it with the moving we will be doing now...

A Chance of Hope...

2005-06-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

A chance of hope about sums it up. After the long talk E and I had the other night he has been better to me. He seems to finally understand how hurtful his words have been and just what effect they had on our marriage. He honestly apparently didn't realize that his cut downs would have the effect on me that they did. He was only hoping it would motivate me to get more involoved in working out and things like that. He didn't realize it was making me push him away and not want anything to do with him.
The last 2 days have been good. he has not made any degrading remarks and has not cut me down. He has actually even held open the doors for me a couple of times and talked to me with respect. That was all I ever wanted of him really. I just hope it lasts...

Another long night...

2005-06-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

You know there are days where I wish I could just give up. I had another of those moments last night. I learned a secret E had been keeping from me ever since he graduated Basic training. I sent the entire 6 weeks he was gone for basic working my butt off- literally- to lose weight. I went from a size 24 to a size 16 in 6 weeks. I was so proud of myself for I hadn't been able to wear a 16 skirt since high school... He had spent the weeknd I was able to be with him for his graduation ver quiet. He had told me then that is was just because of everything he had been through. The Emotional strain. But I knew him better than that. That wasn't the reason- something else was. But he obviously didn't want to tell me then.

It has been no secret I have been struggling wth my weight. I have tried several different eating plans, and work out programs- walking, and support groups and pills- Lord knows how many different things I have tried. But they were never enough. never enough. I still heard the cut downs and his remarks about other women in fornt of me. How he would love to be in that one and how another woman must have been cold. No matter how many times I had asked him to stop making those kind of comments around me- telling him I was not one of his guy friends- I was his wife and deserved more respect than that, it never stopped him. he continued to say those things. Then he wondered why I wouldn't give him what he wanted. Have the time I did everythign I could to avoid going to bed with him. Opting to continuously lose sleep just to avoid him. He never seemed to get it. Last night all his little reasons came out as to why.
His intentions may have been good to him- but they hurt him in the end with the lack of a sex life. He told me that by making those comments he was hoping to give me some encouragement to want to try the weight programs again. I couldn't understand how he would think hurting me would make me WANT to do something for him. It just didn't make any sense at all to me.
Then we got to talking about my trip to see him after Basic. He explained to me why he was so quiet. It wasn't the emotional stress just like I thought. He told me he was quiet because I had talked about losing so much weight, he was disappointed in what he saw when I was able to meet him. He expected me to have lost more. Look different. Anyone who had seen me those 6 weeks had commented on how much weight I had lost. It was evident to basically everyone. But not enough for him. He wanted more. I can only do so much in 6 weeks. But it wasn't enough. I mean going from 24-16 was a drastic changed for me. And then when we got to go to his next base...
Between the stress there and from moving up here and his actions toward me, I gained most of it back. I had just started losing again and was happy with myself. I was watching what I ate and getting more exercise. In between everything else I have going on. But after his words last night, I am discouraged again. If I can lose that much in 6 weeks and have him still not be happy, why in the world would I bother? Yeah, true I need to concentrate for myself. And Tht is why I had started again. But I gave up so easily because nothing was making me lose fast enough. And all his comments about other women... It all was just too much that I actually gave up on myself. Yeah sure, I could try again... But I will always have to wonder just whom I am losing it for. Deep down I know in my heart just who it is...
Then there was the other downfall to all his remarks. He is leaving for a TDY at the end of the month. I also know a girl he befriended while in tech school will be stopping by to see him on her way through to head to Texas. She wants him to get a room for her in billeting and then he was talking about going out to dinner with her. He spent a lot of time with her while in tech. Thanks to all his comments I now fear what may happen between her and him while out on their dinner "date"- He swears it is just him and a friend having dinner together- which had it been like it was in the beginning with us- I wouldn't have a problem. But since he has changed, I have a great fear of him being like his father. He says he would never do anything with anyone unless I gave him permission to. But even then- he shouldn't want to.
I asked him if things had been switched and it was me getting a room for and then going out to dinner with a guy friend- with all the problems we have been having- would he feel the same. he said no. He knew I wouldn't do anything like that- I said that is because I don't point out well hung men, or check out well built men, or make lewd remarks about others. His screen svers and backdrops on the computer are all anime women sure- but they are in various stages of undress, and in sexual positions, while I have anime charatcers on mine as well- but they are completely clothed and no where near sexual poses... just standing for the most part. None of mine reveal anything. I can't even get myself to look at pics like that. I went to and adult "Slumber Party" the other night and actually felt a little uncomfortable. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
I am amazed. I have been chatting online with a friend I met on my message board. He treats me with more respect then E does. He looks after my health and tried to reduce my stress level even by taking quite a load off my shoulders and maintianing the site when the other Admin and I cannot be there to do so. The guy is much younger than E. It is sad that a teen can treat me with more respect than my own husband. Very sad. I don't tell the guy this though. I know where to draw the line. I am not about to get myself into something I know for a fact I will regret later. Besides- talk about jailbait lol- That is not me and I will not allow anything to go that way.
Ok now I bet I sound really wrong in the head... I never used to be this way... I want to go back to the way I was. I hate the way I am now and I hate the way things are now in my life. I am alone... I have no one to turn to... No one to give me what I need. No one even wants to and I dont' blame them. I wouldn't want to either...

2005-06-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today was not the best day... It was a continuation from last nght actually which was bad...

He was mad because we had gone overdrawn in our account. the last charge was something I had made. But when I made the purchase I was not expceting anything to go through before mine as everything had already been paid. we had some moeny left over and he had been getting himself a few things so I bought 3 songs for $. 88 on Walmart Downloads.com

anyway- he blew up and suddenly what was once our money is now his money. I am not allowed to touch it for whatever reason. Unless he is there to see what it goes to... but that isn't the only thing that got me. I can handle the $ fights- we have had them enough... it is his sexual remarks about other woman that I am finally getting sick of... I mean I have always told him they bothered me, but he doesn't seem to care. He feels he has to tell me when a women walks by. well he tells me whether she must feel cold or not- Like I really want to HEAR that he is looking at another woman's chest- I mean come on... what if I saw a man who had an obvious hard on??? would he want to hear me make a remark about the guy obviously liking something? I am always hearing about a woman's "camel toe"- if you don't know, you don't wanna know - trust me- it has nothing to do with feet... and other such male versions for parts of a woman... But his remark Saturday was the last straw.. There was a commercial on TV about a new show called I want To Be A Hilton... His remark "I want to be IN Hilton" then he wonsers why I wouldn't speak to him the rest of the night.

I keep telling him that I don't find remarks like that funny- he claims they are jokes-... I tell him I am NOT one of his guy friends. I am not just some regular woman... I am his wife and deserve the respect that should come from that... But he doesn't seem to care... Do men ever really care? Or is it just my rotten luck again to choose just another wrong guy? Did I make a mistake all those years ago? What did I do to E to make him treat me this way? I honestly don't know. I have been good to him- took care of his home and our children, gave him unconditional love and encouragment. Let him live his life... I have given all I can give and yet all I get are degrading words and put downs. I am on the computer too often he says. I don't keep the house clean enough when everyone else says our home looks spotless. He has told me basically that I am not working with our girls enough and basically that I am not being a good mother to them. Yet they know a few basci nursey rhymes, numbers 1-10 and most their letters. They identify objects of just about anything. They are 2 and 3 years old... Several say they are progressing well, but he says my time on the computer is taking away fro teh girls- mostly I am on at night after they are in their beds or during their naps- I admit sometimes on and off during the day- but not like he says. I work with them, and play with them, and dance around with them. What else am I supposed to be doing?

So yes I cut back a lot today on my time on the computer... not that it matters...

He seemed so much different in the beginning... I never dreamed he would turn into this... something just short of a monster

Anyway- I am posting the lyrics to a song that I feel closely hits what I am feeling now... have been feeling for a little while. It is Kelly Clarkston's :

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside'

Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Just change all the hazel eyes to blue and that is me. I used to think he was the one- but he has changed so much- so cold, and almost heartless. He no longer shows any kind affection and very little if any emotion.. Here I can actually break the song down even.

I used to be strong and independant- at least I felt like I was anyway. It used to feel great when he held me. It did feel right. I truly felt like nothing could go wrong, that I finally found the one... Now I can't sleep, can't eat... I try so hard to hang on when I feel like he is letting go.

I told him everything. I let him inside after I swore I never would again after being hurt so many times before. I trusted him and he turns on me ... just like everyone else I have ever met in my life... guess it is true... in the end even if someone is near- I am truly alone. I cry only when I am alone now- tears do nothing anyway so why let anyone see them. I love him and yet I hate him... is that really person.

I am tired of hiding, but I fel like that is all I have left. To hide up inside of myself. He wants to take away my only true outlet. The only thing keeping me sane right now. He teases and taunts me... yet I stay... WHY???? *grabbing head in frustration* WHY do I stay? Why do I put up with this? What is wrong with me that I can't get back what once was? Why must he insist on hurting me and then trying to pass it off as a joke? He sees how hurt I get... I know he does. He laughs at my pain. What have I done to deserve this??? So many many questions and no answers. I told my mom that if I went to a shrink they would need a shrink by the time I was done... I gave up so much so he could live his dream and yet I obviously haven't given up enough. And when when I try to break it down to the simplest form of the problem and just tell him simply, his "jokes" aren't funny and they hurt- they are what make me pull away- he looks at me like I am stupid. Like I am the one at fault for why things are so bad between us. Like he has done nothing. I want to strike at him... hurt him in the way he has hurt me. To make him feel the pain I feel that I have hidden inside. He has grown so cold I doubt that is even possible anymore. But I am tired of hurting. I have been hurt enough by those I am supposed to trust. I want it to go awy. I truly do. I want him to respect me again like he used to. To treat me like he used to. To Love me like he used to... Why is it any guy in my life has had to hurt me in the worst ways possible...? What have I done?? And how do I undo it...

I know maybe you may think I am putting too many pics in here, but you know what? They clearly say what I am feeling right now...

And a note... I didn't create these pics. I am not claimeing them, no part of them is mine... just using them as a visiual... *sighs* Guess it is time for me to go back to my story... it is about all I have left really... Yes I have teh girls, but according to E... I am not taking good enough care of them anyway... they respect me about as much as he does... which as you can tell is very little... so yeah... Why bother ...?

small update...

2005-05-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Things are tense still but for the most part things are ok... I am not looking forward to getting ready for this move on my own.

So I am attempting to just occupy myself with writing. I now have all my fanfiction.net stories transferred to blogs here on this account and the links to them are over in the navigation section. I just updated Eternal Love Part 2: Returning Spirits and put up Chapter 3 to it...

Got a lot to get done though so this is a short entry. Hope everyone is having a decent memorial day...

only because I feel it is important to share something like this on a holiday weekend...

AFADD- Anime Fans Against Drunk Driving

and just another little thing I wanted to share- note I did not create any of these... just liked what they said...

I am back and...

2005-05-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

busy... Very busy. I realized that some of my friends wanting to read the stories I had up online at fanfiction.net were unable to load the pages for some reason so they could read them. So I created a couple extra blogs on this account so I can post them here. The links are all on the side bar with my profile information in case anyone here is interested in reading them. I had fun writing them. They were quite popular on the other site, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to post them here as well. no harm to it anyway.

So if you are interested you can find the links on the side of the page like I said and feel free to leave your comments if you wish....

not going to be around today...

2005-05-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so today has not been the best day... When is anymore... The girls aren't listening to me at all, I still get no respect from anyone, I bust my butt to get the house clean and 4 people (well 3 people and 1 dog) follow behind and trash everything. On top of that we have to dump everything in our computer and do a major reformat, reboot job on it... That will take us most the day so I won't be on till late...

Because of my pension for writing, I have opened a second blogger account to post a few stories on... See I have an account on fanfiction.net (see links at the side of this page) and a rule there states no more song fics... Well I had some ideas that required me to use songs as guides fr the fic so I created the 2nd blogger account to post the song fic stories... I think it will be fun and a nice way to let out some creative ideas that have been held in so long... I will post a link to that site on the side of this page as well so you can see what I have. I will let you know when I update when I post updates here as well on things going on... So with that said...

Now I have to get everything ready and around to reformat the computer... *sighs* This should be interesting...

And he is thinking like me today.... "smite thee da** computers...." *sighs*

just playing today

2005-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Just playing around a little today I guess....

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

For the most part it is pretty accurate... huh... interesting...

It's Official...

2005-05-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it is finally official. Seems E will be going in June to begin the next phase of his training. Should be an interesting summer. Neither one of our cars are working and we have no money to fix them. We cannot even get a head when we try. I am about ready to just throw my hands up in the air and say I give up. It is times like these when I sit and ask God if he is having fun up there. My entire family has been picked on long enough. My mom had a horrible childhood, failed relationship after failed relationship and is so stressed and sick she could lose her job again. My great grandmother had been in so much pain as she died thanks to a doctor's mistake, My grandmother has to live everyday with a monster who is my grandfather. My sister... Well we won't even go there at all. She has had death threats on her life now... And for E and me... Well, I am about to say I quit on that too... I am so tired of fighting. So tired of lying and sneaking around each other's backs. So tired of being put down and belittled. So tired of being made to feel like I cannot do anything right. Neither one of us has been physically unfaithful to each other. Mentally is another story though. I know darn well that I am not the only one dreaming here. But for the last 4 years we have done nothing but struggle; and it gets worse more and more... Everyone says it will get easier. I watch things get more worse everyday and I sadly do not believe them anymore... My dreams are breaking one by one and I do not see a way for me to fix them at all... No vehicle to go anywhere, no money to go anywhere with even if I did have the car. I won't even be able to see my mom one last time before before we have to move to Washington and that is what is really killing me now.

Will it ever just end? Will anything just finally be ok? I cannot take this anymore, I really can't. not even my other side is strong enough to help me face this. It no longer matters what I want or if I cry or bleed... There are so many times like this in which I feel so utterly and terribly alone. All I want are for arms to circle me and hold me close. For someone to tell me it will be ok and actually mean it. For someone to gently wipe my tears from my eyes... for someone in my real life to care the way I care.

I have to admit... E does try but it is usually after things have gone too far and I have become a basket case. he will tell me it is ok, but he doesn't hold me close when he says this. He doesn't wipe away my tears and give me that safe protective feeling anymore. He only holds me close if I pull him to me. Sometimes all I want is for him to see my pain and willingly take me in his arms to show he cares... But if I am going to continue this I must learn to accept that part of him no longer exists. In the end all I am left with are the memories and the cold hard truth that though he is with me I am and always will be alone...

Not A Happy Mother's Day

2005-05-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

I think the title about says it... I may have been allowed to sleep in, but I paid the price for it... All E and I did the entire day was fight about anything. Started out as money and then went to what was wrong in the relationship/marriage... He is under the impression that I am the only one to blame when I know it is BOTH of us... He is quick to point out my faults ( mainly the computer and lack of attention in the bedroom) yet, he will not acknowledge anything he may have done wrong... He doesn't even attempt to understand my side and I have at least given his a chance... I have made some changes in the past 2 weeks he never even acknowledged. He chose not to see them. He curses in front of the girls, he is too harsh on our youngest. Never hardly holds her, expects her not to cry if she bumps her head or soething... Yet he is good as gold to our oldest... I will never understand that... never...

I suggested counseling and he said he would go if he saw a reason to... Talk about mouth falling open. I had to bite my tongue from yelling but I did tell him there has been a reason for it for the last 2 years alone... There was a need for it back before we were expecting the oldest... *shakes head* And now with the possibilty of him leaving here in June... We need to work this out now before he does something we will all regret... I just hope it is not already too late...

now for a pic to illustrate my mood so far... Close to giving up on everything... I just can't fight anymore... I am fastly losing strength... I am fastly losing my will to keep going...

And just because I am feeling so low doesn't mean someone cannot have a good day... Observe...

In My Hands, A Legacy of Memories....

May forever be my last post here... or anywhere...

Not really sure what to think....

Credit for Graphics Used here...

Sick of it...

Never Fall

Hospital Trip...

Scared...

So tired of being here...

You're not real and you can't save me...

trying to fix this...

Scared...

Oh Yes!!!!

A Lot On My Mind...

CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!!!

Sorting through my mind...

I Can Only Imagine...

*rolls eyes* ...

Here By Me/Broken

Kissing Quiz...

Early V-Day...

Winds of change....

Butterflies on the Wind: Tagged

...

The Masquerade Ball

*sigh*

The True Me...

Close Your Eyes....

Update on post - "Prayers and Thoughts"

poem...

Prayers and thoughts...

Feeling Like Yugi - Read Old Past... New Future first to understand this one...

Old Past... New Future?

A Visit; A Message

Happy New Year!!

Merry Christmas

Odd things...

Moving on...

It Doesn't Matter....

Love don't live here anymore.....

Longing part 2...

Longing...

Music.... let it play...

Hmm...

Thoughts on Overdrive...

Too Many Thoughts...

Seemingly Better...

Feeling Like I Let Someone Down...

Funny Little Thought....

A New Day..

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thinking back...

Tourniquet...

Happy Ending... Bah!

Can't change the past...

Eh...

I HATE spammers...

Strong and wish

Long Day

To Blue: My dear sweet friend...

I'm back! lol

Missing Everyone

Taking a Break

Going offline...

small set back...

moving news...

More to the story...

pics of the hurricane

Hurricane update

Hurricane Katrina

This was a nice change...

So far so good...

WTF?!?!?

Just a general update...

A Word of Thanks

not again...

Why Me? Baka: the title is mine...

Wish I Knew...

Oh the Pain...

Quick post

rolls eyes ...

sigh