Scared...

It's amazing how much the span of a day can change a person. I can go from happy to destroyed in the matter of minutes... But... I don't know. I just feel so scared and alone. So confused. Torn... I'm dreaming again. Dreaming of a time when things were better. When we both did things for each other. When nothing was more important than each other.

But now... Now I don't know. My world came to a crashing halt. I noticed he never kisses me before leaving for work. He barely tells me he loves me. And now... this other woman seems to be more important to him than me... He can talk to her about things that he apparently can't talk to me about. Then again, she is open to things that he wants to talk about. She is more his age so their limbido is the same. I'm sorry, that I can't accomadate what he wants.

He has one thing on his mind all the time. I don't. I think about more important things. I feel I have to in order for certain things to be taken care of. But he only sees me pulling away. I try hug him, do things for him, but it isn't enough. He thinks I do these things now because I want something. There is no just doing something for him because I want to anymore.

Sometimes I fear he wants out. And I wouldn't blame him. I wouldn't. I mean look at me. I am NOTHING like I was 9 years ago when we first met. I am more than 100 pounds overweight thanks to stress, 2 kids, and no energy or support. I hide behind my writing instead of spending time with him because he only wants one thing out of me and I am not wanting it. The thought of being with him almost disgusts me now. I love him... I do. I just want to start over. He is 16 in a 23 year old body. Having to be a family man when all he wants is to have fun.

I can't give him his fantasy. I won't lower my standards to that point. Besides, who else would we find? I am self conscious enough about myself in front of him let alone a 3rd person. I'm the type to dress with the lights off and keep my eyes closed in the shower. I HATE the way I look. I do. And his comments, his references... he says he's being himself, but it's KILLING me inside. Because I am not what he wants...

I fear if we didn't have the girls, we would have gone our separate ways a long time ago. that we are together now only for them. At least he is. I still love him. I always have. He's changed. His body isn't what it once was. His personality is TONS different from what it used to be, but I still love him. I still want him... need him... I don't want to let him go.

But at the same time I can't really trust him either. He swears he isn't going anywhere. Or that he won't do anything. But then there this women... She is EVERYTHING that I am not. Self confident, bi sexual, into everything that he is... thin... an ex-stripper... I can't compete with that... I can't...

I called him tonight... at work. Just to tell him I loved him... then I hung up, I couldn't get my voice to say anymore... There was a minute that passed and he called back asking me what that was for. So I told him it was because I wanted to tell him. And then all my strength was gone. I can't fight anymore. There's no fight left in me. I try and he pulls farther away, for what I do isn't enough. There is always got to be something more.

My tears fall like the rain. But they go unseen. My cries, lost on the wind...feel so lost... feel so alone... I don't know what to do. I just want it back. I want to feel love again... But it's gone... He says it because he feels he has to... If that it what he truly feels, then I don't want to hear it anymore... Because the words cut like knife through my back and into my heart... Who needs to live the life of a RP character.. when I am living the lesser violent life of Sanura already...?