A Lot On My Mind...

So if I start to ramble, just kind of bear with me. I am not quite sure where to go with this post. I am torn and confused. Not sure where to go or who to turn to. It's scary almost. First the deal with my step-father... so many tell me I shouldn't worry about it. That I should make him deal with it since he tried to screw me with it to begin with. Part of me wants to and then part of me wants to step up and do something about it too.

I can't stand that he is bothering my mother about this. She has enough to deal with, she doesn't need him. If I did try to take it again it would only be to get him off her case. Can't he just melt away and never come back? I mean where is Malik when I need him? ...Then again, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea either ... still... a person could dream... I don't wish him harm or ill.. just that he would go away and leave my family, my mother, alone.

Then there is E. I have to wonder if he is really worth defending anymore. He is a good guy.. when it suits him. But ... there are just some things I can't take anymore. I make changes to my diet and routine.. but that isn't good enough. "It's getting better outside, why don't you go for walks more often?"
Um.. probably because I just spend an hour and a half dancing around with the grls and my legs feel like they want to fall off. But it's more than just my wieght , which has been a constant problem since the girls were born...

He never knows when he should open his mouth and when he should keep it shut. I mean at least SOME guys out there have the decency to keep their mouths shut about certain things when their wives are with them.. at least I hope they have the respect to anyway... But E... no.. he has to make a little remark about every half naked woman he sees on TV. He has to make little remarks that allude to him not getting much and his remarks make it sound like it is ALL my fault. He doesnt' realize that I don't give in for a reason. You would think he would.. but you know why he doesn't? Because he said it himself. he just doesn't care.

So why am I bothering trying to defend someone who doesn't care? He only goes after what HE wants in bed. What I want... well- doesn't matter. He has read the little short erotic stories I have written. They tell what the women want in those stories. what I want in real life. The way the women in my erotic stories are treated, more often than not are treated lovingly and tenderly when they are being made love to by their partners. It's not sex... Marriage.. I thought sex would be at least a little different now and then. That he would hold me close and whisper to me.

Turns out I feel more like Roxy felt in Chicago. Like he is fixing a carburatuer or something "Oh I love ya, honey, I love ya..." Yeah well... My breasts don't care... they don't want to be slapped around. Never mind... I'll stop there...

You know.. he used to kiss me every day, or night, before he left for work. Now he barely says good night to me when he leaves. 4 years... 4 years and what do we have? A marriage that is barely held together by what little faith I have? A wife torn down and feeling lower than low more often than she feels alive? A man who is so busy thinking about his own needs he neglects the needs of his wife... Yet it always is blamed on me... It's always my fault.

Just because I let myself get so big... even though I am trying to change. I just don't have the energy anymore. He has no idea how many times I have laid there pretending to be interested or excited by what he was doing when in my head all I can think of is "oh god please let this be over soon..." I am too the point I have to close my eyes and pretend he is someone else.. doing something else in order to get a decent enough reaction out of my body anymore... it's bad...

I guess I just finally have to admit I am not happy. I haven't been happy .... really happy in at LEAST 4 years... And now... now it gets better. He looks up profiles of women on MySpace that are scantilly dressed. There is one in particular that I wished he would just block and delete from his friend's list, but I can't do that. And I know he won't... he likes the eye candy.

Why can't he go back to being the guy he was when I met him. Loved him. He was sweet and tender. Loving and gentle. He did things that I wanted and then I would do the same for him. kisses for no reason, snuggling on the couch watching movies... Never spoke about women like that in front of me. Never even made it look like he was LOOKING when I was with him. He made me feel like I was his only one. Now... Now I don't feel that way..

I want to be in the lives of my RP Characters more and more... Even if the guys aren't that great, they know how to make them feel loved in the end when it couldn't the most. When we end it's hugs and kisses all over the place. I want that back.

No... I NEED that back...