May forever be my last post here... or anywhere...

I feel sick. I feel... dead...

There is no real easy way to say any of this. I have posted some things that have been going on, but never have I ever really gotten into detail. To be honest I don't know how much time I have to do this, so I am going to try to make this quick.

He and I had a long long long talk today... the talk of all talks.

The woman he has been talking to has gone through a divorce. He was talking to her to get a general idea what to expect. His cousin has been through 2 of them. He want to know what he is going to be going through if he makes a final decision. Apparently, he has been thinking about this a long time. Longer than I realized. But it explains a great deal of things. He was thinking of giving me about one more year to see how things worked. by then the Air Force would be ready to move him again. He was going to do what he could to get stationed closer to my home state in Michigan. In doing so, it would make it easier for me to pack what I owned and move .... I don't know where.... I don't have anything really back at home anymore. My mother is getting married and will have her own place that is most likely going to be smaller and there wouldn't be room for me. On top of that...

He said he was going to take our girls from me...

First he says he's thinking divorce... then he tells me he is going to take away the one last thing I have left to live for. He and the girls were my life. If I lose them all...

He said I would have my mom... but for how long? And how does that ease the pain of losing my daughters?

I have a year to do... something... anything... I don't know yet what I am going to do... but I have a year... maybe- he said he wasn't sure yet....

I want to get sick... I stood in the pool with my daughters and all I could think of was going under and never coming back up... I come inside and avoid the bathroom because I wonder how many pills it would take to make a fouth attempt actually work. I can't go near the kitchen because I know Eric just sharpened the knives... I want to hang on to hope... but my heart tells me that he has already come to a decision and that it's over no matter what I do.

I asked him if he loved me... even just a little...

He said he wasn't sure. He said I was still a great friend, but he wasn't sure he felt the same for me anymore...

God... I can't watch everything I love be torn from me... This can't be happening... This can't... It's a dream right? Just a horrible dream that I will wake up from at any given minute? Please, God tell me it's a dream... PLEASE.... I can't live without them... just the thought of it kills me more and more every minute...

I'm scared... Of what may happen.. but most of all... I am scared of what I might do...
My thoughts are growing too dark to control... I'm afraid that no one will be able to pull me from this... They will try... But I am not as strong as they think... I am very weak... and growing weaker.... It's up to God now... His decision as to what happens...

Not really sure what to think....

Or how to feel for that matter...

I spent a greater portion of my life depressed and pessimisstic. It has only been the past maybe 3 years where I began to attempt to make a change. It has helped in some areas, and others it hasn't been that successful. I find it odd how I can find or at least attempt to find a light in the face of darkness for others much easier than I find it in my own. But it is always much easier to find a silver lining for someone when you yourself aren't in their shoes. I have to step back and realize my words may not always be what they need to hear. Sometimes an optimistic view isn't what is wanted even if it may be what is needed.

I have a friend who is not doing so well... and I tried to make her feel better, but I can't help but think I might have only made things worse. She's too kind to tell me to leave her alone, or to knock it off.... I have another who is making similar mistakes I was making.. knows it, but doesn't seem to want to change. And then I have my own mother...

She is really going through a rough time right now... Her old landlord had been nothing short of a prick... please excuse the language. He made her life a living hell the entire time she was there. So she finally said she would leave. I guess the last month's rent hadn't gotten paid, and he had a brand new truck so it was time for a payment... He took her to court. I know the kind of man he is. He would have really made every little bad thing seem 10 times worse than it was. What it boiled down to? She has 21 days to pay $850 (rent and court costs) or else she goes to jail....

She tries to laugh it off... but I know she's scared... I can feel it. I also know it's why she has been avoiding everyone... She's afraid she can't do it. They won't accept payments... it has to be the entire thing. I tell her to try to be positive, that something will work out... But sadly even I am wondering if it is possible...

It wouldn't be the first time I had a parent in jail... My biological father was in prison for trafficing drugs... But my mother... I don't want to see her go there... And I don't have the kind of money needed to keep her out... I am truly scared for her. Our family... We never had much, and I don't think even my grandparents have much to help her with. Yes, it's true I worry about a lot of things and a lot of people... but I am truly afraid for her... It's the last place she needs to be right now in her state of mind...

On another note... I may not be posting here on this particular blog anymore... I have a Live Journal account and a MySpace page. My friends have the links to them and can find my blogs there now. This journal will be here as I have posted a lot of things here that I have not posted anywhere else... A lot about my life and my history. The things that molded me into who I am. I can't erase those posts. I debate on putting them in another place as well... not sure yet... it is the past and it has been done... It's time to let it go. So if you want continued updates on me at a more regular level, find me over on Live journal (angelhope99) or on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/ladyphoenix99 ) - just subscribe to my blog there to get alerts when I update...

Credit for Graphics Used here...

In previous posts and in the description banner I have used graphics from a ton of creators.  I have let it be known right from the start that I was not the one to create them.  But I wanted to give credit to all those who’s icons I have used both in the past and in the future.  A link to this post will always be found in the list of links so that the credit is always available.  If you see a graphic you like, ask me and I will tell you the creator…  In the future, I will make a stronger attempt to include the names of the artists when I use them at the end of my post.  It’s the fairest thing I can do and if they happen by and would rather I not use this graphic leave a polite comment about it and I will see that it is removed…

On to the artists and believe me there is a lot of them…

alice_xx
bloodnblack
dark_sephy
darkchan
discordanticons
eternal_night_
hybridrainbow
orange_icons
sakebi
shadowkeeper
silencedaria
spokeydokey
tani_chan
tiger_ace
wiccabeth
atemu_fangurl
danicons
hikaru_hime
kuja_rang
stophoest
batty_anger
hobbithunter
lediz
matty_chan
mistressminako
nefthoron
rhapsodydragon
river_drow
sari5
snowgarden
sweet_tidus
tobias_geminasu
wickedly_moon
ahavaicons
akaru_icons
angel_josie
azure15
caffeine_buzz
eizou
flamingkitsune
heartofchaos
immicolia
Imn_icons
Insaneicons
Jurhael
kage_kiyoshi
kaibacorp_icons
keeperoffire
nelotizapu
oopsitbroke
setine_kitsune
silverwing147
vadacon
visionicons
vs_icons
yokokaru_chan
__3ppl
actor_icon
animecrush
blu_tea
bunny_tsukino
contradictz
felonycat
girlofsatarn
gisinu
gohanisyummy
kali_sama
my100challenges
neferamisi
pixelatedrain
rhaine_icons
silentxemotion
star_sailor13
stealthusagi
yuna_12
deepsenseicons
Somewhere I Belong
starmagician
starseeker
julia2icons
princesslafiel
iconicallyhales
the_firefly
RebeccaLynne
Autumnsharmony
Batgirl_iii
Br3nna
cowgirled
garishlight
haro
icon_serenade
karmaside
lirannutian
lucid_icons
misako_chan
moonscape
musical_medli
mydarklife
ohsomarvelous
pichus_paradise
pixicons
planetgal471
quirkyslayer
resmiranda
SonKikyo
Tea_roses
The_hanyou_cons
Undeadmiko
Ushitora Icons
Viola_players
Shini Q Akusai
Suntemple
Galethelamb
Phrixus
Pinkcloudz
Silentdevotion
_ame_
6satans6sweet6
aka_bisho
alabapoy
allhertears
amethystia
aotearoagal
bakabunnies
celestial_fire
chiiruchan
crackalicious
cybermonkeyps
divine_midnight
figgy
flyingpinkbunny
fullmetal_cute
hireadd
ichimaru
ignoredflower
infinite_stars
jyonouchi_chan
komigraph
kumagorou_beam
lil_bishie
lilithnumber17
lylei
mytenkay
Ningengirai
Nyansha
Oathinthestorm
Planetgal471
Prettygraphite
Queen_akasha72
Rabid_muffins
Rachelmarie
Radfel
Red_roses_rox
Riyuji
Ryuichilover13
Shagtasticxlove
Sir_mocha
Snowgarden
Strawberryhitsu
Tears_priestess
Unhappy0endings
X_hella_x
Xnobodyatallx
Agentrosecotton
Angjovan
Azurial
Bases_by_maggie
Coeur_de_ma_vie
Emmavesence
Enriana
Eofs
Faeriesfolly
Jiatra
Ladytalon
Meredith44
Skellorg
Obsessiveicons
Minitokyo
florid_icons
juna_chan
kiri_no_ookami
pic_unperfect
red_threthiel
rogueiconlj
sadicque
silversnakeicon
tehiconz
yukia_silver
casper_san
hisashiatsitoll
queenstrata
selkiewings
_atomic_cherry
boutondor
crazy_jae
equivalency
iconistas_fadinglove
ladylenne
m1ch1ru
maidensblush
mhari
nardasarmy
zemia
Irenes Images
Ellie


Any other graphics are artwork found scattered on the web in Google or Yahoo image searches or screencaps taken by me…

Sick of it...

I KNOW I am innocent here, but does he care? Hell no. All he cares about is money is missing out of his personal account. I DON'T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO HIS PERSONAL ACCOUNT!!!!

When will he see that his accusations keep driving us farther apart? Things were going just fine, seemingly almost back to normal again... SEEMINGLY.

He goes to cash a check he received for his birthday; and learns that his account was overdrawn so he wasn't able toget ANY of the money for the check. He comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is "Did you use my card for anything?" I look at him like he's nuts because to me at the moment he is. I have my own account on PayPal. I don't need his. I haven't bought anything for myself in months. Could never afford it. Only got what was needed and paid bills out of the joint account. Hell I don't even know where he keeps the card to his personal account. I figure that's his money and I will have mine.

You can bet I will be using my own account to put my own money in when I begin bringing more in from anything I sell, books included when it begins to come in. I am not going to be stupid about this. I have to make sure I set money aside for taxes too when tax time comes around so it isn't like I can place the money in an account that risks having everything drained from it.

He goes every freaking morning to that coffee place. Does he not realize how quickly that adds up? It's like $3 a drink there. EVERY MORNING!!! And yet when his money is gone it is my fault.

You know... I am never going to get an apology for it either. Sorry, I know it may not be the best thing, but I do hold grudges. And this one is sticking around for a little while. I am sick of being accused of things I didn't do and even when he has the proof never hearing an apology.

Never Fall

I found this poem on DA and I liked it. REALLY liked it... So I wanted to post it here as well... Please click on the title of this post for the original link to where I found this poem as there was a pretty desktop wallpaper that was made to go with this poem. Thank you.

Neverfall by Lee

Never fall from my hands of grace,
That has touched your beautiful silky face.

White with trangression through the ages,
Cause life passed by so fast like turning pages.

Never fall from the faith I displayed,
Only to hear you say the quote you made.

"Stare deeply into each other eyes,
Pulling the strings to your heart,
And let the gift open up and fly."

Never fall from my arms forming like wings,
Like angels with lyres that sings.

A melodramatic choir of ecstatic hushed tones,
Crescending notes as high as heaven then level with moans.

Never fall from my life again,
We'll always be lovers or friend.

Sticking together for many years,
One single committment for your tears.

Never fall......


I'll do a better update later...